Friday, June 18, 2010

Hold Those Chickens.

Post 688 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 18th June, 2010.

Hello My Friends ~~ I hope you are all doing well in your corner of
our wonderful world. I am doing fine, good reports yesterday from
the doctor about my diabetes and kidney check-ups. All good.

Last weekend, I learned of the death a a dear cousin, (on my Mother's
birthday), though she has been gone for 33 years. My cousin, Geoff
sat beside me at my Dad's funeral with his arm around me for comfort
and I will never forget that, or him. We spoke on the phone about our
aneurysms and how it would be a quick death and how we didn't plan
to have the operation because it was so awful. His was in-operable
and mine can be done through the groin if I have to have it repaired.

He also boasted "mine's bigger than yours" and was I trying to steal
his thunder, as he had had it longer than I have. Rest in Peace Geoff.

A Mountain Wings Moment. Hold Those Chickens.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he decided he would just walk

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a
bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and
picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However struggling
outside the store he now had a problem -- how to carry all of his
purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked : "Can you tell me how
to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close
to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested: "Why don't you put the can of paint in the
bucket, carry the bucket on one hand, put a chicken under each
arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old
girl home. On the way, he said: "Let's take my shortcut and go down
this alley. We will be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said: I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know when we get
in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall and have your
way with me?"

The farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon
of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly
hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket
put the paint tin on top on the top of the bucket, and I'll hold the

One from my friend Warren - Thanks Mate. See you soon.
Pastor's Business Card.

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one
house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no
answer came to his repeated knocks.

Therefore. he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20'
on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found
his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message,
'Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check on the citation, he broke into gales
of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins, 'Behold I stand at the door and
knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and
I was afraid for I was naked.'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones.

'A cheerful heart is good medicine' (Prov. 17:22.)

One from my good friend Sherrill called The bagpiper. Thanks.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked be a funeral
director to play at a grave side service of a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's
cemetery in the Nova Scotia back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived
an hour late . . . and saw the funeral guy was obviously gone, and
the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left . . and they were eating
lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the man for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down. The vault lid was
already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started playing.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
I played my heart and soul out for this man with no family and
friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep.
They wept; I wept; we all wept together. When I finished, I packed
up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low,
my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one worker say,
"Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen NOTHING like that before . . .
And I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years..!!"

One from Sue and Bob in the U.K. Thank you.

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old mule.The old
man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
As he stood there brushing some dust from his face and clothes,
a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand
and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
"Hey, old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the young gunslinger and said, "No, I
never did dance . . .never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you
old fool, you're gonna dance now." and started shooting at the old
man's feet.

The old prospector -- not wanting to get a toe blown off -- started
hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everyone was laughing,
fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing
holstered his gun and turned to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barrelled
shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around
very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old-timer
and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands,
as e quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but .....I've'
always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant. Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

Last one also from Sue and Bob. Thank you.

Gordon Brown was invited to address a major gathering of the
Indian Nations in Pittsburgh after the G20 summit.

He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing the
present standard of living of all the world's minority groups if he was
allowed to continue his grand plan for revitalising the world's economy.
He assured them he was always urging the present governments
throughout the world to address more of their native community's

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Gordon
Brown with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking
Eagle. The proud Brown then departed in his motorcade, waving to
the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs how they came
to select the new name given to Gordon Brown.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird, so full
of s**t it can no longer fly.

Enough for this post. Take care of yourselves and each other. Share
a smile with someone who needs one. Love and best wishes to you
all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 688 ~ ~ ~ Friday 18th June, 2010.


Jack K. said...

My condolences on the passing of your dear cousin. Glad you can recall the amusing times you shared. I'm sure Geoff will be watching over you. Who knows, maybe he and your dad are catching up.

Apparently old men aren't the only ones who don't get old being stupid. Let's see what should I do with the goose? lol

I suppose it doesn't hurt to know a few useful quotes from the Bible.

Glad to know your health is good. Take care.

Lady Di Tn said...

Sorry to hear about your cousin but it sounds like he had a really good sense of humor about the whole affair. LOl about old men not being stupid and walking eagle. I must remember to give that name to our President. Peace

Peter said...

Nice tribute to Geoff Merle, he looked so well only 2 weeks ago.

Ava said...

So sorry to hear about your cousin, Merle.

Puss-in-Boots said...

I'm sorry to hear about the passing of your cousin, Merle. Was it the aneurysm?

Gordon Brown = Walking Eagle...hahaha, that's a good one.

Glad to hear you've got a good report card fron the medics, Merle. Keep up the excellent work.

Stay well and warm.


Meow (aka Connie) said...

Dear Merle,
I am so sorry to hear about your cousin ... it's so terribly sad.
Sound like you are doing well at the moment, Merle ... that's wonderful news :)
Hope the cold isn't getting too much for you, and that your heating is sufficient to keep the chill out ...
Hope you are having a great weekend.
Take care, love and hugs ...

Jim said...

Merle, I am very sorry to hear about your cousin, Geoff. I know he was dear to you.

I am assuming it was the aneurysm that got him. I am glad yours is one that can be repaired through the groin.

Before I had mentioned that I had mine repaired that way although I don't think it is as complicated as yours. It sure beats having someone sew a hose in place of your artery.

The next time the Indians want to give me a name I sure hope I can find out what it means before accepting it.

BTW, my aneurysm was almost 5cm although it has shrunken some since the stent was put in.
I had to go to the ER about four weeks ago. The Radiologist said I might have an endoleak in it now. There are three kinds of endoleaks, one is deadly. It must not be that kind because my cardiologist did not get excited about it at all. I will have my six month check up in August.

Gledwood said...

Hi Merle I'm sorry to hear about your cousin but I'm glad you're OK. Take care :-)

Dave said...

Oh I loved the jokes in this post Merle... all great ones!

Glad your checkup went well.. *S*

Hope you had a nice weekend.

LZ Blogger said...

Merle ~ I loved the Pastor's business card one. I hope all is well? ~ jb///

Patty said...

Dear Merle, you've done it once again. Posted some really good jokes. I still always get a kick out of the one of the old lady afraid the man is going to take advantage of her. And she came up with a perfect plan so he could. LOL Take care, Sorry I haven't been around for a while, it seems there aren't enough hours in a day. Right now I am doing laundry and will have to be starting supper/dinner in a few minutes. I think just fried chicken legs and macaroni salad. Left over ice cream cake for dessert. I know, I know, not very good for the diet, fried, no vegetable, and then topping it off with sugar, and fat (ice cream cake). But hey we only go around once in life. Food is about all that is left to enjoy anymore. LOL Sleep well tonight and keep a check on that aneurysm. Also sounds like your cousin was one great person. Love, Patty

Margaret Cloud said...

Glad to hear you received good news. Sorry to hear about your friend. I loved the little old lady one, very funny. You know I do remember when jokes were funny and clean. The stories were very good today.Have a nice week.