Thursday, December 16, 2010

Happy Christmas to all.

Post 717 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 16th December, 2010.

Hello my friends ~~ I hope all is well at your house and you are well
on the way to being ready for Christmas. I hope you all have a very
Happy Christmas and that 2011 will be a wonderful year for you.
Let us hope for a Healthy and Prosperous year ahead of us all.
I am doing quite well, just have difficulty walking, so I do as little
as possible.

My brother Peter had the first of his cataract operations today, so I
hope he is feeling OK. I will ring him later on. He rang me and is fine.
My son John is going to Queensland to see his daughter and his
granddaughter, Chloe- AND is taking me with him. We will also visit
my daughter Julie, and her very sick husband, Laurie, their two
kids, Chris who is single and Samantha with 4 children and partner.
It is years since I saw them last and I have never seen Chloe or
Sammie's youngest. We will also call to see Peter. It will be very
tiring but well worth the trip.So I am not sure when I will post again
but I will be thinking of you all at this festive season and will get back
to you as soon as I can.

Now to find a few jokes for you. First one was sent by Sue and Bob.
It is called "An Australian Love Poem." Thanks, I think!!!

Who said Australians weren't romantic?

Of course I love ya darlin'
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word.

So your bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm with ya
There's something there to grab.

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms around there.

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yours just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya did your best.

I'm telling ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it's very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs.

I swear on my nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought that you was as good as
I was ever gonna get.

No matter what you look like
I'll always love you dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.
Another from Sue and Bob. Thank you. It is called
"Priest Retirement Dinner."

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years
in the parish. A leading politician and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at
the dinner. The keynote speaker was delayed, so the priest decided
to say his own few words as they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The
very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen
a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie
his way out of it.

He confessed to have stolen money from his parents, embezzled
from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal
drugs, and given VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days
passed I knew my people were not all like that and I had indeed
come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being la
te. He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his talk . . . . .

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the
politician. "In fact I had the honor of being the first one to go
to him in confession."

A bit naughty one from my friend Linda in Canberra.

One morning a Scotsman is having breakfast in Paris, (coffee,
croissants, bread, butter and marmalade) when a Frenchman,
chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Scotsman
ignores the Frenchman who,never-the-less starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You Scots folk eat the whole bread?"
Scotsman (in a bad mood): "Of course"

Frenchman (after blowing a huge bubble): "We don't. In France
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to
Scotland." He had a smirk on his face.

The Scotsman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists:"Do you eat marmalade with your bread?"
Scotsman : "Of course."

Frenchman (cracking his bubblegum between his teeth and chuckling):
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all
the peels seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into marmalade, and sell the marmalade to Scotland.

After a moment of silence, the Scotsman asks: "Do you have sex in
Frenchman: "Why of course we do" he says with a big smirk.

Scotsman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Scotsman: "We don't in Scotland, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to

One from my second cousin in New Zealand. Thanks Karyn.
Don't Talk to my Parrot.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill
on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh by the way, don't
worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you."

"But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances talk to
my parrot."

When the repairman arrived at Wanda;s apartment the following
day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever
seen. But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet
watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled
"Shut up you stupid ugly bird."
To which the parrot replied, "Get him Spike."

See -- Men just don't listen.

One from Patty called "Alzheimer's Test." Thank you.

How fast can you guess these words with missing letters.

1. F__K

2. PU_S_

3. S_X

4. P_N_S

5. BOO_S

6. __NDOM



3. SIX.




You got all 6 wrong. . . .didn't you?

Well, Congratulations! You don't have Alzheimer's - but you are
a pervert!!.

Last one tonight from the paper. Joke of the week.

Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards and waving?

A. A receding hairline with a permanent wave.

Well that is it for tonight my friends, Look after yourselves and enjoy
your lives. Be kind to everyone else. Love and best wishes to you all.
Cheers, Merle.

Post 717 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 16th December, 2010.


Dave said...

Merry Christmas Merle... and a VERY Happy New Years to you and your family! *Smile*

Safe travels... sounds like you have a wonderful trip coming up.

See you soon dear friend.

Lady Di Tn said...

Have a wonderful trip. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours. I wish you "Enough". Love, Prayers and Peace be with you.

PS The retiring priest joke was top notch. LOL

Jack K. said...

Merry Christmas to you too.

It sounds as though you will have a wonderful, if tiring time. Remember to get some rest along the way.

Loved the jokes.

And, I did not get any of the words wrong. OK, I did spell purse rather than pulse. snerx.

Take care. I look forward to your nest posting.

Give my best to Peter, too.

jel said...

hope ya have a great visit,and a safe one. and hope all goes well with everyone

merry Christmas to all~and to all a good nite! :)


Big Dave T said...

You're the second blogger I've read today who's planning a big road trip over the holidays to see family. We're going south on Christmas day, but only to get out of the cold for a spell. Today is my family's Christmas party in Bay City, about 100 miles north. We'll be headed up there in a couple hours. Wendy's working on her Swedish meatballs right now.

I liked that Australian poem. Footy must mean TV over there. I thought they called it the telly, but that must be in England.

Gledwood said...

Hi Merle: thanks for your kind message. I was feeling paranoid because I lost it, due to a nervous breakdown. I mean a literal nervous breakdown, I had a psychiatrist asking me if I wanted to go in hospital. During this state I got very disinhibited and was flying all over the place with a very poor attention span and my mood riccocheting up, down, left right and through the bull's eye! I was hearing voices. I was scared I might have said something offensive. As I say I never ever mean to be offensive, and even in that condition I tried not to be but it was very very difficult for me. Your reply was very kind and I am proud to be able to call you my friend, considering especially that we are of different ages, sexes, from opposite corners of the world and so on. It means a lot to me that you have taken the time to stay in touch despite my problems, which most people consider antisocial in nature. I am now off the **** 2 weeks clear but on methadone and sticking to it. I do still drink but not to ridiculous excess. And I'm taking one day at a time, as you're meant to, but I don't feel brittle and wobbly the way a lot of people in my shoes seem to. So I think/hope I'm OK.
Here's wishing you a very merry Xmas indeed and a superior 2011 ;->...
With Love from London

Margaret Cloud said...

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you also. Hope you have a nice visit with family and don't over do. This Australian sure did not know how to phrase his love right, but most men don't. I liked the missing letters and did not get the right answers. Very nice post, have fun and be safe.

Winifred said...

Have a wonderful Christmas and a great year in 2011. I look forward to more posts to make me smile just like this one.

BBQ said...

Have a safe and blessed trip with your son. Take care, Merle =)

Kerri said...

Hello Merle,
Just stopping by to wish you a joyful Christmas with your family and a very happy, healthy New Year.
I hope your trip is going well and is not too tiring. It sounds like wonderful fun for you to see those family members and spend some time visiting and catching up.
You've made me laugh as usual, dear friend. xox

BBQ said...

♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Blessed Christmas ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Happy New Year ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥♥ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪

Deborah Wilson said...

Dear Merle,

Stopping by to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas!

Sorry I haven't stopped by in a long time but I've been off line much of the summer and fall, not posting very much. Right now, I'm trying to get over pnuemonia.

But otherwise, I feel good and I'm ready to eat sugar...and chocolate...:)

Rob said...

Merry Christmas to you Merle. I hope you have a good trip and enjoy yourself. Best wishes, Rob.

bigbikerbob said...

Hi Merle, Another god post, your blog is always good for a smile. A very happy, Healthy and prosperous Christmas to you.

Linda May said...

G'Day Merle, I hope you are enjoying your travels and family for christmas. Re; romantic aussies, yep they always manage to give with one hand and take it back with the other eh. hahaha. You pelargoniums are looking good this year, as are the other flowers.

Mountain Mama said...

Hello Merle. I'm so glad you are having time with family. Nothing better in my book!
I loved your jokes, especially the Australian Love Poem. I copied it to send to my friend Bob who loves football and is looking for a lady love. Maybe he can recite it to her. LOL!!!
I pray you have a happy and healthy new year dear.
God bless

Jim said...

Merle, you have the nicest family! I am glad that you are traveling and enjoying your Christmas holiday with them.

Happy New Years too!

I liked your jokes today. The politician sure put his foot in his mouth didn't he ! :)