Post 716 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 10th December, 2010.
Hello my friends ~~ I hope you have all had great week and life is being
kind to you and your loved ones. Things here are OK - we have had a lot
of rain and there are floods around the country - mainly in NSW, but we
have quite a few roads closed around Shepparton also. We had a severe
storm on Tuesday and my modem gave way to it, so I haven't had any
Internet until today when I had a new one installed, and it is great to have
everything working again. I didn't really need the expense just before
Christmas but next storm I will switch everything off.
First item tonight is "Men Are Just Happier People." Thank you Linda L.
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other,
Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and S**t for Brains.
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only $32.50. Nne of them will have anything smaller and none
will actually admit they want change.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
A man has six items in his bathroom, toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah,children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments ad romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and can
handle it. . . . and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
One from my son John -- Something to Ponder on. Thanks John.
On the first day. God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks
past. For this, I will give you a lifee spa of twenty years.
The dog said, "That's a log time to be barking . . .How about only
10 years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain
people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this I 'll give you a
twenty year life span."
The monkey said, " Monkey tricks for 20 years. That's a long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go
into the field with the farmer and all day long and suffer under the sun
have calves ad give milk to support the farmer's family. For this
I will give you 60 years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
60 years. How about 20 and I'll give you back the other 40?
And God agreed again . . .
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,
marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years.
But the human said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me
my twenty, the cow's forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey
gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep. play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support
our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain
the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
My dear friend Patty sent me "A Turkey's Lament." Thank you.
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop.
Then he sat me down, and spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something I had to know.
His look and his tone I will always remember
When he told me of the horrors of ,,,, Black November.
"Come about August, now listen to me. Each day you will be
thick where once you were thin. nd you'll grow a big rubbery
thing under your chin.
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.
Then she'll pluck out all your feathers, so you're bald and pink.
And scoop out your insides and leave you lying in the sink.
"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing
She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing."
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat.
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
high roughage salads, juice and diet cola.
And as they ate pastries, chocolate and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed.
But 'Twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed ever closer to death.
And sure enough, Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound.
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap.
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.
She held me today, while sewing and humming
And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming...."
Last one tonight from Mountain Wings. "Healing Hands."
Three guys were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked
across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three
astonished men settled down enough to speak, the first guy
asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered back pain ever since I took
shrapnel in the Viet Nam war. Could you help me?"
"Of course, my son," Jesus said. When Jesus touched the man's
back, the man felt relief for the first time in years,
The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard
time reading and driving and asked if Jesus could do something
for his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and
tossed them in the lake. When the glasses hit the water, the man's
eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When Jesus turned to the third man, the guy put up his hands
and cried defensively, "Don't touch me. I'm on long-term
Well it is time for me to retire for the night. Be kind to each
other and share some smiles with folks who need them.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 716 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 10th December, 2010.