Friday, December 10, 2010

Men Are Just Happier People.

Post 716 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 10th December, 2010.

Hello my friends ~~ I hope you have all had great week and life is being
kind to you and your loved ones. Things here are OK - we have had a lot
of rain and there are floods around the country - mainly in NSW, but we
have quite a few roads closed around Shepparton also. We had a severe
storm on Tuesday and my modem gave way to it, so I haven't had any
Internet until today when I had a new one installed, and it is great to have
everything working again. I didn't really need the expense just before
Christmas but next storm I will switch everything off.

First item tonight is "Men Are Just Happier People." Thank you Linda L.

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other,
Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each
other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and S**t for Brains.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even
though it's only $32.50. Nne of them will have anything smaller and none
will actually admit they want change.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom, toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah,children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments ad romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret
fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and can
handle it. . . . and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
<><>

One from my son John -- Something to Ponder on. Thanks John.

On the first day. God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the
door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks
past. For this, I will give you a lifee spa of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a log time to be barking . . .How about only
10 years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain
people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this I 'll give you a
twenty year life span."

The monkey said, " Monkey tricks for 20 years. That's a long
time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go
into the field with the farmer and all day long and suffer under the sun
have calves ad give milk to support the farmer's family. For this
I will give you 60 years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
60 years. How about 20 and I'll give you back the other 40?

And God agreed again . . .

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,
marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years.

But the human said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly giv
e me
my twenty, the cow's forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey
gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep. play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support
our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain
the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch
and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
<><>
My dear friend Patty sent me "A Turkey's Lament." Thank you.

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop.

Then he sat me down, and spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something I had to know.

His look and his tone I will always remember
When he told me of the horrors of ,,,, Black November.

"Come about August, now listen to me. Each day you will be
thick where once you were thin. nd you'll grow a big rubbery
thing under your chin.

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head.

Then she'll pluck out all your feathers, so you're bald and pink.
And scoop out your insides and leave you lying in the sink.

"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing
She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing."

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat.

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked.

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
high roughage salads, juice and diet cola.

And as they ate pastries, chocolate and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes.

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed.

But 'Twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed ever closer to death.

And sure enough, Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound.

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap.
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap.

She held me today, while sewing and humming
And smiled at me and said, "Christmas is coming...."
<><>

Last one tonight from Mountain Wings. "Healing Hands."

Three guys were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked
across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three
astonished men settled down enough to speak, the first guy
asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered back pain ever since I took
shrapnel in the Viet Nam war. Could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said. When Jesus touched the man's
back, the man felt relief for the first time in years,

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard
time reading and driving and asked if Jesus could do something
for his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and

tossed them in the lake. When the glasses hit the water, the man's
eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to the third man, the guy put up his hands
and cried defensively, "Don't touch me. I'm on long-term
disability."

Well it is time for me to retire for the night. Be kind to each
other and share some smiles with folks who need them.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 716 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 10th December, 2010.
<><><>




15 comments:

Dave said...

Great post Merle!!! Loved the mens part! *LOL*

Rob said...

Exactly the same thing happened to me not long after getting our very first computer, we had a guy come to fix it and I watched what he did so that next time I could fix it myself. Its not always easy because various bits have to talk to each other but most things I am able to fix now and if something goes really wrong I get another computer off ebay. You can pick up a good computer in there for not a lot provided you aren't wanting a cutting edge machine. Not that, that method is good for everyone as you do need to know what to look for. Anyway just thought I would pass that on while I was paying a visit. Take care Merle - oh yes, and it is wise to pull out the plug when there is lightening , I would unplug the modem from the phone line and the computer from the electric supply too.

Peter said...

Good batch of stories.

Gina E. said...

LOL LOL LOL - I love that first joke, Merle! Ken and I have been arguing all week about one thing or another, and I can't wait to show him this bit:
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Just so he knows next time!!

Margaret Cloud said...

I really enjoyed the difference between=men and women, so true. Tell John thanks, I liked that one.The last two I read before, but were funny. Have a nice weekend and thank you for coming by.

Lady Di Tn said...

Great stories you shared with us. I loved the Bathrooms Mens vs womens. lol
Mimi and I cooked our first batch of fruit cakes today so the house smells Heavenly. A batch will make six cakes. We usually only make two batches.
I am slowly marking off my list of seasonal things to do. This weekend I hope we get our tree. Peace

Joy Des Jardins said...

I'm so glad you're back up and running again Merle. I hate being without the internet...I feel lost. I know that's how you felt. It's cold and rainy here today...BRRRR. I hope you're staying dry and flood-free. Take care sweet friend.. Love, Joy

Big Dave T said...

I have a feeling that my modem is ready to go to. Right now I have to switch it on and off, on and off to get it to work. Actually, off and on.

Big snowstorm is supposed to hit here to tomorrow.

I liked the line about doing the monkey tricks. Since we're going to be grandparents soon, I'm already practicing tricks on other little kids. My grandpa showed me a long time ago how to "pull my thumb off my hand." I'll start with that one.

Janice said...

Hi Merle,

I hope you are well and staying dry.

I liked things to ponder, life now makes sense, lol.

Take care.
Janice~

Rhi said...

My favorite place to come when I need a good laugh! Hope all is well and I'm glad you got your computer fixed. I understand about the weather. Here we have layers of snow on top of ice and we're making way for a dreadful winter. At least it's pretty though. :) Take care.
-Rhi

Granny Annie said...

Funny funny stuff Merle. Thanks for sharing.

Gledwood said...

Hi Merle!

I hope all's OK your end. I'm off the drugs now and sticking to methadone. I went absolutely crackers just after the switchover. Hearing voices and psychotic and paranoid, euphoric and depressed. A free "high" if you want to see it that way. I got very upset with the psychiatric profession, but had to see one of their number last week.

As I say I hope all's good. And I hope I didn't say anything rude while I was "disinhibited" I seem to recall calling you a "naughty girl" I hope it didn't get any cheekier than that. If so I really honestly didn't mean to be offensive. I try to be considerate at all times. I don't want to put more pain in the world, or to anger or disturb anyone. I only post about drugs so vividly to leave a memoir of my own experience and hopefully to put others off ever daring to follow in my shoes!

I'm somewhere between 10 and 14 days free of heroin. I don't know for sure as I AM taking one day at a time. I fail to see how counting days can possibly help with this. So I'm not counting and that's why I'm not so sure. I'm just glad to be away from that crap. Why I ever thought I needed it is beyond me. I'd rather die than take heroin again.

Sorry to go on, I just want to thank you for your friendship and to say it's safe to come round now. You should hopefully never read the words "I used gear today..." ever again!

I'm the last person ever to be naive enough to say anyone can claim to have a problem like that licked. All I can say is that at the moment I'm more full of nausea than full of any sort of craving, and in a way I hope it stays that way...

All the best ;->...

XXX

Patty said...

Good evening Merle, another bunch of good stories. Seems I get slower and slower each day. Can't seem to catch up. Doing laundry today and still have another load to do, but will wait now till tomorrow morning. Tired again tonight, the old bones in the back have been acting up, I think the Femera I'm still taking is causing that. Hopefully once I am off that drug, the bones will feel better. Cold here again today, just can't seem to get use to it. Right now it's 14 above zero, the whole house feels cold. Been using a couple of electric heaters along with the gas furnace, hate to see the next utility bills. Hope all is going well with you. Abe goes for his Protime test in the morning, we canceled yesterday morning, because of the snow and ice we had on Sunday. They say we may get more this Thursday. Hope not. Hang in there, I'm sure those rains will stop soon. Love, Patty

Jeanette said...

Hello Dear Merle.
Hope your keeping well..
just thought I pop in see whats happening in blog world..
Great post good jokes.
The storms have been bad all roads leading out of Yarrawonga blocked ,Yarrawonga, Katamite rd closed katamite end. Benalla Yarra Rd close at Lake Rowen the rd to Wangaratta closed at Peechalba.. Water water everywere ,, the floods come up to Donna's back fence.
Been back bowling a couple of weeks , stepped of the bank at pennant Tuesday Ouch not as bad as when u saw me.just very uncomfortable. Xmas break up tomorrow no Pennant till the 9th Jan... Well Dear Merle take care keep cool in this humid weather.. Love Jan xxxx

BBQ said...

"Men are just happier people" are so funny and true. Thank you for sharing it with us, Merle =)