Post 731 ~~ Sunday, 27th March, 2011.
Hi Everyone ~~ How quickly these weeks fly by, whether you
are having fun or not - they just whiz by in no time.
I hope you are all doing well and enjoying your lives and
having some fun too. I am fine, weather cooling, but not too
bad yet. Leaves falling everywhere, as it's the season.
I had a new TV installed in my kitchen last week and it is a
good one with a great picture. I was in the habit of putting
things on the stove to cook and just going in to the lounge,
and then forgetting. I burnt quite a few things over the years.
Now I can cook, watch TV and wash dishes etc in the kitchen.
First item tonight comes from my dear friend Lady Di and is
called "Rules from God for 2011." Thanks Dianne.
1. Wake Up. Decide to have a good day. "Today is the day the
Lord hath made; let us rejoice and be glad in it".Psalms 118:24.
2. Dress Up. The best way to dress up is to put on a smile. A
smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. "The Lord
does not look at things men do.Man looks at outward appearances
but the Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7.
3. Shut Up. Say nice things and learn how to listen. "God gave us
two ears and one mouth, so He must have meant for us to do
twice as much listening as talking. He who guards his lips guards
his soul." Proverbs 13L3
4. Stand Up. . .For what you believe in. Stand up for something
or you will fall for anything. "Let us not be weary in doing good,
for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give
up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good."
Galatians 6: 9-10.
5, Look Up . . .to the Lord. "I can do everything through Christ
who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13.
6. Reach Up . . ."For something higher. "Trust in the Lord with
all your heart and learn not unto your own understanding. In all
your ways, acknowledge Him, And He will direct your path."
Proverbs 3: 5-6.
7. Lift Up . . . Your Prayers. "Do not worry about anything;
Instead Pray About Everything." Philippians 4: 6,
I thought this was mighty special, just like you, so pass it
on and brighten someone else's day. And remember
God answers all prayers.
May the Lord open up the windows of heaven
and pour you a blessing that you will not have room
Enough to receive it all. God Bless.
Next one is called "Virgin Airlines."
Wouldn't you just love to do this? For all who work with
Rude Customers, isn't it a shame WE can't actually do this.
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in
Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who
probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had
been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-
booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly
an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE
to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to help
you but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we will
be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so the other
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I
have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly
throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Desk 14, WHO DOES NOT KNOW
WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come
to Desk 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man
glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said,"F... You."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to get in line for that too."
A joke from my dear frien Barbara called "Entry to Heaven"
Thank you Barbara. I hope you and Howard are both well.
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While waiting for
St. Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were
her parents and all the other people she had loved who had
died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings
to her. "Hello, how are you. We've been waiting for you.
Good to see you."
When St. Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is
such a wonderful place. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word, " St.Peter told her.
"Which word?" she asked. "Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love." and St.Peter welcomed
her into Heaven.
About a year later, St.Peter came to the woman and asked
her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her
"I'm surprised to see you" the woman said,
"How have you been?"
"Oh I've been doing pretty well since you died,"her husband
told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took
care of you when you were ill. And then I won the multi-
"I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a
huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all round the world."
"We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water-skiing
today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.What a bummer.
So how do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word" the woman said.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
Moral of the story : Never make a woman angry....
There will be hell to pay later.
A short one from my good friend Patricia Lincoln. Thanks.
Man sitting on the veranda with his wife and he says,
"I love you."
She asks "is that you or the beer talking?"
He replies, "It's me . . . . . talking to the beer."
A Mountain Wings item called "Desperate to be Married."
I answered a prayer request by someone desperate to
be married. This is what I sent them: I have seen much in
my 16 years in the ministry and can tell you seven things.
1. Money can make you comfortable, but it will not comfort
2. Health is your greatest material asset, if you are jealthy
you are rich.
3. You must be content within yourself first, your complete-
ness will not come from another person.
4. Only about 20% of people are happy in marriage.
5. Only about 20% of people are happy single.
6. Single or marriage does NOT make the difference in
whether you are happy or not.
7. There is one relationship that takes precedence and
matters more than any other. Your relationship with God.
~ ~ ~ Pastor Nathaniel. BTW ~ the someone desperate to
get married was a man.
A Mountain Wings" joke called The Dog and the Leopard."
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took
his favorite pet dog along for company. One day the dog
starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers he is
lost. Sp, wandering about he notices a leopard heading in
his direction with obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
immediately sits down to chew on the bones with his back
to the approaching leopard.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly.
"Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder of there
are more around here?"Hearing this, the leopard halts in
mid stride, a look of terror comes over him. and he slinks
away into the trees.
"Whew, that was close," says the leopard, That dog nearly
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole
scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge
to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.
So off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figured something must be up. The
monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans,
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to
that conniving canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard with the monkey on his back and
thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his
attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
Just when they get close enough to hear, he says,
"Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him
off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's
still not back."
Some more Church Humour from my friend Barbara.
Show and Tell.
A Kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell"
assignment. Each student was to brinng in an object that
represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said,
"My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star
The second student got up in front of the class and said,
"My name is Mary and I am Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got up in front of the class and said,
"My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."
The Twenty and the One.
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-
dollar bill had arrived at the Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyer belt to be burned, they
struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced
about his travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty
good life." the twenty proclaimed. "Why, I've been to Las Vegas
and the finest restaurants in New York, performances on
Broadway and even went on a cruise."
"Wow" said the one-dollar bill. "You really had an exciting life."
"So, tell me," says the twenty "Where have you been during
"I've been in the Methodist church, the Baptist church . . . ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"
Goat for Dinner.
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday
dinner. While preparing the meal the minister asked their
son what they were having.
"Goat" replied the little boy.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure?"
"Yep" says the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mum, "Today
is as good as any to have the old goat for dinner."
Lord keep Your arm around my shoulder, and Your Hand
over my mouth.
Well that is enough for this post,my friends. Take good care
of yourselves and each other. Love and Best Wishes to all.
Post 731 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 27th March, 2011.