Post 732 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 4th April, 2011.
Hello Everyone ~~ I hope your lives are going well and life is good
for you all. I am OK, but have to go to Melbourne next Sunday for
the laser removal of a large kidney stone early on Monday, so I will
be glad when that is over. I have had x rays, ECG and blood tests.
I have faith in the Urologist and he is a specialist with the laser.
On to happier things - I have had a lot of visitors over the weekend.
My son Geoff and his wife Joanne came up and stayed Friday night
then went on further to get a trailer load of firewood. Geoff did some
work in the garden for me. John was away on another far ride to
Wellington, New South Wales, but got home safely yesterday.
My grand-daughter (the chef with the restaurant) rang to say she
and her brother and boyfriend were coming for a visit and to do some
shopping. So that was a nice surprise. Kate only gets Sundays off.
Some photos to show you. John called in to change 4 clocks back
from Daylight saving time, but Kate who is very tall had done them.
Joh and Me and Kate. (Joh is short for Johannes. )
John with his nephew Joh.
Scott and Kate.
John with Kate
at the left.
Kate inside after changing the
clocks for me.
Now to find some stories and jokes for you.
One from my dear friend Patricia in the U.S. Thanks Patty.
God's Grace. I wonder how many will skip reading this one because
of the name. But it is a good story.
There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small New
England town. One Easter Sunday he came to the Church carrying a
rusty, bent old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit. Eyebrows were
raised and in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak. . . .
I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy
coming forward to me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of
the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright.
I stopped the lad and asked, "What do you have there son?"
"Just some old birds," came the reply..
"What are you going to do with them?" I asked.
"Take them home and have fun with them," he answered. "I am
gonna tease them and pull out their feathers to make them fight.
I'm gonna have a real good time."
"But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you
do with them then?"
"Oh. I've got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds, so I'll
take them to them"
The pastor was silent a moment,
How much do you want for those birds, son?"
"Huh?? You don't want those birds mister. They are just plain old
field birds. They don't sing and they ain't even pretty."
"How much?" the pastor asked again.
The boy sized up the pastor as if he was crazy and said, $10."
The pastor reached into his pocket and took out a ten dollar note.
He placed it into the boy's hand. In a flash the boy was gone.
The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of
alley where there was a tree ad a grassy spot. Setting the cage
down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars,
persuaded the birds out, setting them free. Well that explained
the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to
tell this story:
One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had
just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and
boasting, "Yes Sir, I just caught a world full of people down there.
Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got them all."
"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.
Satan replied, " Oh, I'm gonna have fun. I'm gonna teach them to
marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other
I'm really gonna have fun."
"And what do you do when you are done with them?" Jesus asked.
Satan glared proudly, "Oh I'll kill them."
"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.
"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you
take them and they will just hate you and spit on you, curse you
and kill you. You don't want these people."
"How much? He asked again.
Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears and your life."
Jesus said, "DONE" Then He paid the price.
The pastor picked up the cage and left the pulpit..
I thank God every day for my blessed life. I'm not rich, don't live in
a mansion and don't have the nicest of material things, but I'm
healthy, have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the
table, a family that loves me and lifelong friends to get me through.
I'd say I have a lot to be thankful for.
Next one came from Mountain Wings. "Lost and Found."
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping. It was found by
an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she
commented: "That's funny, when I lost my purse, there was a
$20 bill in it. Now there are 20 $1. bills."
The boy quickly replied: "That's right, lady. The last time I found
a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
My friend Linda in Canberra sent me the next joke. Thanks Linda.
A twenty year old Amish boy ad his father were paying their first
visit to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything,
they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and
then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is that, Father?" The father, never having seen an elevator
before responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this is my life. I
don't know what it is."
While the father and son were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in
a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. She
rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and
his father watched the small numbers above light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number . . . and then
the numbers began to light up in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go, get your mother."
A riddle from my friend Warren. Thanks, Mate.
Riddle of the Day.
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his.
Cher claims she took on three.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it? Answer below.
^ The answer is a Last Name.
You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, did you? Never too sure Warren !!!
One from Linda I think. "You Gotta Love This Doctor."
Thanks Linda for "Dr. Go Wei Soon."
Q. Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. True?
A. Your heart is only good for so many beats --don't waste it on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you
live longer. It is like saying you extend the life of your car by driving faster.
Want to live longer - - Take a nap.
Q. Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?
A, You must grasp logistical efficiency. What do cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (leafy green vegetables)
And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of
Q. Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A. No not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that mean they take the water out of the fruity bit, so you get
even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottoms up.
Q. How can I calculate my body/ fat ratio?
A. Well if you have body and you have fat, your ratio if one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one etc.
Q. What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
A. Can't think of a single one sorry. My philosophy is No Pain-good.
Q. Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING. Food are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they are permeated by it. How could getting more
vegetable be bad for you?
Q. Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
A. Definitely not. When you exercise muscle it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q. Is chocolate bad for me?
A. Are you crazy? HELLO - Cocoa bean. Another vegetable. It best
feel-good food around.
Q. Is swimming good for your figure?
A. If swimming is good for your figure, explain whale to me.
Q. Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A. Hey, Round is a shape.
Well I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had about food and diets.
Well it is time to say Goodnight and get myself off to bed. Look
after yourselves my friends and each other. Love and Best wishes
to you all. Cheers, Merle.
Post 732 ~ ~ ~ Monday 4th April, 2011.