Post ~ ~ ~737 ~ ~ Friday, 27th May, 2011.
Hello again my friends ~ ~ I have had appointments every day this week, so
I am taking the benefit of a day at home to post. I still have lots of exercises
to do, but the Physio could see a positive change and said my balance was not
so wobbly. She loaned my a crutch with an arm guard over a walking stick, so
it gives more help than the stick alone. Both my doctor and yesterday the
Urologist told me that I had 2 heart attacks, so no wonder I feel weak. They
did no damage to my heart, so that is wonderful. Thanks to the care of the
medical team at the hospital. So maybe I can aim for 78.
I hope all is well with everyone. I have heard about the killer tornados and feel
so very sorry for those in their path. It must be so terrible frightening to go
through them. My sympathy to those who have lost loved ones and their
homes and livelihoods. I pray there will be no more really bad ones.
My little brother Peter has a birthday tomorrow. He will turn 75 and is still
struggling with the Bells Palsy as there hasn't been any real improvement as
yet. His vision has been affected as well as the fallen face. I hope and pray
there will soon be some signs of leaving him.
Now for some jokes for you. First one is the title one from my dear friend
Patty. It is called "With Age Comes Wisdom." Thank you Patty.
With time, women gain weight because we accumulate so much information
and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out
to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror, I will think."Good Grief
look how smart I am.
Must be where the expression "Smart Ass" came from.
Next one from my cousin Karyn in New Zealand. Thanks Karyn.
It is called "The Flower Show."
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall
where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said,
"Life is so boring, we never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my
clothes off and streak through the stupid flower show."
"You're on" said the other old lady holding up a $10 note..
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and when
she was completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through
the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside. her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling and naked old lady came through the front door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won first prize as 'Best Dried Arrangement."
Next short one come from my cousin Jenny. Thank you Jenny.
I have lots of cousins, as you may have noticed.
This is called "Spread the Stupidity."
Why do department stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can by cigarettes
at the front?
Why do people order double cheese-burgers, large fries and a Diet coke?
Why do banks leave their doors open, and chain up their pens?
Why do we have cars worth Why of dollars in our driveways and
put our useless junk in the garage?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline --"Psychic Wins Lottery?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why is abbreviated such a long word?
Why do doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish-washing liquid
made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called 'rush hour'?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know the indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Boston, they have weekly husband's
marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe,
who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few
minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married
to stay married to the same woman for all those years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands. "Wella, I'va tried to treat
her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy
for the 25th anniversary.
The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I'ma gonna go pick her up."
Next ones from my cousin, David, Jenny's brother. Thanks David.
Can you imagine a nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the
while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure.
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling If you know the Bible
even a little you'll find this hilarious. It comes from a Catholic elementary
Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following
statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been
retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.
!, In the first book of the bible, guinessis God got tired of creating the world,
so He took the Sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve wer created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark
Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a Pillar of Salt during the day, but a ball of fire during
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with unsympathetic genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles..
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert afterwards. Moses went
up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada, Then Joshua led the
Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to
stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar, He
fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found
Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John, the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule. which says do unto others before
they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get
the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels.
22. The epistles were the wive of the apostles.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which
is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called Monotony.
One last one from my friend Linda in Canberra. Thanks Linda.
Stupid question . . . Excellent response.
For those who don't know Major General Peter Cosgrove, this gentleman
is an Australian. General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radi0 recently.
Please follow his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this. This is
one of the best comeback lines of all time. In a portion of an ABC radio
interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was
about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his Military Headquarters.
So, General Cosgroe, what things are tyou going to teach these young
boys when they visit your base?
General Cosgrove: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeingm archery
wer: Shooting? That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?
General Cosgrove: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
Female Interviewer: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?
General Cosgrove: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you are equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to become a prostitute
but you're not one are you?
The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, this
interview was over.
Time to call it a day my friends. Look after yourselves and each other.
My love and best wishes. Cheers, Merle. Happy Birthday Little brother
Post 737 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 27th May, 2011.