Sunday, October 09, 2011

Never Assume.

Post 757 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 9th October, 2011.

Hello My Friends ~~ I hope your lives are going well and you are happy.
I am well and happy. My son John is safely home from his bike rides to
Mackay Q'ld, and then the weekend in Tasmania. Tassie (as we call it)
is the only state of Australia that is not on the mainland.

There are enormous ships that take cars, bikes, caravans etc over the
water to Tassie. John had a great time, and is very lucky to be able
to do all the trips he does and to get time off from work. I am always
relieved when he gets home. He is a good safe driver, but who knows
what others may do?

Well on to some stories and jokes . . . . .
The first one was sent by my cousin Bill. Good one, thanks Bill.


His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell
phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the
valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the
"Why," asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN' he responded, " and I need to get
some close- up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally stammered, "So, what
you are telling me are NOT my flight instructor?"


Another from Bill called "DRY SLIPPERS"

This should increase by clicking on the picture to read the message.

One from my friend in Canberra, Linda. Thank you my friend.

Two female friends are catching up:
"So how was your evening last night?

"A disaster. After getting home, my dearly beloved hubby wolfed down
in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted"
me 3 minutes of passionate love, before rolling over and falling asleep
2 minutes later. And you?"

"Oh mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home
from work.. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked
back home, under an amazing sky, along the canal, for a good two hours.
Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for
an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until
late. It was wonderful.......

Meanwhile at the rub, the husbands are "networking" ........
"So how was your night last night?"

"Great. When I came home the food was ready. I ate, we shagged
and I fell asleep. You?"

"A nightmare. I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched
on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived I took her
out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear full... Dinner was so
expensive that I couldn't afford a taxi back home, so we had to walk home.
Once there the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all
these darn candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up
that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another hour to come.
In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while
she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing . . . ."

A Pearly Gates item called "Gorilla Removal."

Did I tell you the story about the day I arrived home from work and discovered
a gorilla sitting on my roof? Not knowing what to do, I opened the Yellow Pages
looked up "Gorilla Removal". I called the only listing.

A man quickly arrived and removed the following equipment from his truck:
a ladder, a bunch of bananas, a big stick, a pair of handcuffs, a Chihuahua,
and a gun.

As I was appropriately curious, I asked him what he was going to do with all
that stuff.
The man replied, " I'm going to use the ladder to get on the roof, then I'm
going to throw the bananas to the gorilla. While he is busy eating them, I'm
going to knock him off the roof.

When he hits the ground the Chihuahua is going to bite him in the groin, at
which time the gorilla will throw his hands in the air, and you slap the cuffs
on him."
I asked, "What about the gun?"

The man handed me the gun and said, "Sometimes the gorilla knocks me off
the roof. If that happens, you shoot the Chihuahua."

One from my friend in Q'ld, Warren. Thanks Mate.


Bubba had shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office
should appreciate this. Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are
running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba.

Bubba walked into the doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what
he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name and address
medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came and asked Bubba what he had...
Bubba said, "Shingles," So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said,
"Shingles." So the nurse gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the
nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck.Where do you want me to unload them?"

Hope this makes you laugh out loud like I did. These days we need all the
laughter we can get.

Last one tonight was in a magazine called My favourite joke and is
credited to George Clooney. It was a while ago.

A woman woke up one night to find that her husband wasn't in bed. She
put on her dressing gown and went downstairs to find him sitting at the
kitchen table. He looked deep in thought, just staring at the wall. Then
she saw him wipe a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter dear?" she asked.
"Do you remember when your Dad caught us making love in the back seat
of my car 20 years ago?"
"Yes, I remember." she said.

"Remember him shoving that shotgun in my face and saying, "Either you
marry my daughter or you spend 20 years in jail."
"Yes, I do," she nodded.

The man wiped away a tear and said: "You know.... I'd have been
released today."

Well time to finish off for tonight. Look after yourselves my friends, and
take care of your loved ones. Find some joy in every day and be happy.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 757 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 9th October, 2011.


Peter said...

Hi Merle. some good jokes again, all is good here in Qld (apart from yhe Bells still ringing)

Joy Des Jardins said...

John IS lucky to be able to make all of those trips...but I'm glad he's home safely now. I hope you've been feeling well dear friend. I can't believe how quickly these months have passed...soon it will be Thanksgiving and then Xmas here....and then winter will be back. I don't look forward to that. Take care sweetie... Love, Joy

Theanne and Baron said...

Happy your son is home safe! Laughed heartily at the jokes...good ones! Thanks for sharing're a love!

Lady Di Tn said...

Glad all is well on your side of the world. We are having a wonderful day today and the weather is perfect for biker. The jokes were outstanding and I am still smiling at the little guy who only wanted a quarter of a pills. Loved the women and men side of the story. lol Peace and Wishing you enough. love

Jim said...

Hi Merle I am glad for you that John made his trip okay. I am glad for him too.

You have lots of 'frisky' jokes tonight. I like the one about the flight instructor the best.

Granny Annie said...

Merle, you certainly do a great job of filling us with laughter to start the week

Rosezilla said...

hello, Merle! I loved Never Assume and Why Our Health Costs are so High! Thanks for the laughs, my friend.

Margaret Cloud said...

Glad John got home safe and sound. Hope that plane landed safely. I really liked the one Linda sent. Have a nice week.

linda may said...

G'Day Merle, I just spent a happy half hour or so reading back through your blog posts. You always make me smile. I am pleased to her you and yours are doing O.K. Cheers.Love Linda.

Big Dave T said...

Interesting to hear about Tasmania. I assume that's where the Tasmanian devil resides. Our Bugs Bunny always had trouble with him. Great jokes as always. I'd be nervous too if my son were a bike-rider. You're never too old to worry about your children.

Dave said...

*LOL* Great ones Merle!

Funny, we both had the same joke (the last one) before I even read your blog this week! *S*

audrey` said...

"Always ask, never assume" is a very good advice :)

Meow (aka Connie) said...

Hi Merle,
As always, I enjoyed reading your post. (as I have mentioned before, I always read, but don't always comment !!)
Hope life is treating you well this week, and you are enjoying the weather ... it's starting to get lovely and warm again.
I have re-started my blog again, and hope to continue. Just did 2 huge posts on our recent holiday.
Take care, dear Merle,
Love and hugs, Connie xxx