About Heart Attacks.

Post 649 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 11th December, 2009.

Hi Everyone ~~ How are things with you all? Looking forward to the
weekend I guess. We have had a cool change here for a few days
and it is warming again, but two really cool days for summer. Even
had a blanket on the last two nights.

I will start tonight with the photo taken a few years ago at our friend's
home. We went to visit them recently and I love this piece of iron in
the shape of Australia. It should enlarge to read the words.





I have been writing on some Christmas cards today, so it is certainly
the time for Peace and Love. A lovely time to keep in touch with
friends and relatives.

My good friend Linda L sent me this article about Heart attacks and it
just might help someone. Thank you Linda.

HEART ATTACK ~~ THE NEW ASPIRIN ~~ IMPORTANT READ .......

Something that we can do to help ourselves. Nice to know.

Bayer is making crystal aspirin to dissolve under the tongue.
They work much faster than the tablets.

About Heart Attacks -- Why keep aspirin by your bedside?

There are other symptoms of a heart attack besides the pain in the
left arm. One must also be aware of an intense pain on the chin,
as well as nausea and lots of sweating. However these symptoms
may occur less frequently.

Note: There may be NO pain in the chest during a heart attack.
The majority of people (about 60%) who had a heart attack during
their sleep did not wake up. However, if it occurs, the chest pain may
wake you from your deep sleep. If that happens, immediately dissolve
two aspirins in your mouth and swallow them with a bit of water.

Afterwards:

~Phone a neighbor or a family member who lives very close by.

~ Say "heart attack".

~ Say that you have taken 2 aspirins.

~ Take a seat on a chair or sofa near the front door, and wait for
their arrival and ~~ Do NOT lie down.

A cardiologist has stated that, if each person after receiving this
e mail sends it to 10 people, probably one life can be saved.
<><>

More of my friend Gina 's different meanings. The Washington Post
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding
subtracting or changing one letter and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n):The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffi (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.(This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending all these really
bad vibes, right? And the, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.

10. Decafalon (n): The gruelling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem to get
smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
the fruit you are eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a*****e.
<><>

A Mountain Wings item by Fred Taylor. Walking with a wolf.

In nature, tigers are not monogamos animals. Both male and female
tigers have several mates over their lifetime. Even when you call
a person a tiger, monogamous is not what comes to mind.

What is one of the few inherently monogamous mammals?
Oddly enough, it is the wolf.

Wolves mate for life and remain faithful to their life mate,

A wolf is often what a man is called who chases women, but the
name is a total misnomer. It is the wolf that is faithful.

Often we get things totally backwards.
<><>

One from my friend Warren. Thanks mate.
For all the golfers out there . . . .

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf... Unfortunately,
the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window
of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful. Now we'll have to
go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying
on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke
my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're really sorry about that," the husband muttered.

"Oh, no apology necessary. Actually I want to thank yo... You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you have released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
for myself.."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long healthy life. And now, young lady, what
do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world." she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said, "And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters."

"And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven'tbeen with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with
your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune and all those houses. What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but
what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband, "I'd do the same
for you."

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest
of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three
hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into
her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we are both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO S**T," he said. "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe
in genies?"

<><>

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her heand and said, "My family went to my granddad's
farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate', not fascinating' ."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City
and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was a good try Sally, but I wanted you
to use the word 'fascinate'."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no
way he cold damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his
offering.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina hass a sweater with ten buttons, but her
boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher just sat down and cried.
<><>

A few quotes to finish with and to get over that joke....

He who laughs, lasts. ~ ~ ~ Mary Pettibone Poole.

I live to laugh and I laugh to live. ~ ~ ~ Milton Berle.

Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.
~ ~ ~ Hans Christian Anderson.

Live as though it were your last day on earth. Someday you will
be right. ~ ~ ~ Robert Anthony.

I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.
~ ~ ~ Arthur Rubenstein.

Life is like a great big canvas. Throw all the paint you can at it.
~ ~ ~ Danny Kaye.

The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has
sight, but no vision. ~ ~ ~Helen Keller.

Well time to close and get to bed. I hope you found something
of interest among that lot. Take great care of yourselves and
and each other. Only 14 more sleeps until Christmas Day.
Love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 649 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 11th December, 2009.
<><><>

Albino Peacock.

Post 648 ~~ Sunday, 6th December, 2009.

Dear Friends ~ ~Will try to do a post tonight, although I am tired to start with.
I hope your lives are going well, and the weather is not too unkind for you.
Here it is warming up but only to 31 C so I am happy about that. Yesterday, I
got a really nice surprise when Peter rang to say he was on his way. So we are
both in the cool and playing on our computers and Peter has helped me with a
few problems I have had with mine. He has a few more friends and relatives
to see before he heads for home. He had said he may come back, but I wasn't
sure he would. We have been talking of old times and the recent demise of our
old family home at Dixons Creek and playing "Remember when etc"

The first item tonight is a couple of pictures from my friend Lorraine
and they are lovely, sent by e mail Thanks you Lorraine.
They are 2 pictures of an Albino Peacock. Beautiful.



In all his glory -- full show for us.


Close-up of the same peacock.

Next on the menu is a List from the Washington Post to its yearly
Contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings
for common words. Sent by my good friend, Gina. Thank you.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n) -- the person upon whom one coughs.

2.Flabbergasted (adj) - appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v) - to give up all hope of having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj) -- impotent.

6. Negligent (adj) - describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer your door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v) - - to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n) olive-flavored mouth-wash.

9. Flatulence (n) - emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n) - a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n) - a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n) - the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctocologists.

13. Pokemon (n) - a Rastafarian proctocologist.

14. Oyster (n) - a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n) - (back by popular demand): the belief that
when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n) - an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

There are another set of these for another time.
<><>

The Importance of Correct Punctuation.

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous,
kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless
and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you.
I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever
happy -- will you let me be yours?
Gloria.

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous,
kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless
and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you
I have no feelings whatsoever. When we are apart, I can be forever
happy. Will you let me be?
Yours, Gloria.

<><>

My dear friend Patty sent me this next one, which is called
Ten Thoughts to Ponder. Thank you for these Patty.

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.

No. 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,teach a person to
use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

No. 6. Some people are like a Slinky....Not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them downstairs.

No. 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals,
dying of nothing.

No. 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to Criticism.

No.3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial
tax cut saves you $30.00?

No. 2. In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

No 1. Thought for 2009 -- "Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
What you do today, might Burn your A** Tomorrow.
<><>

Next one from my good friend Robyn and it is one of the funniest things
in a long time. Needless to say the Help Desk employer was fired.
Actual dialogue of a former Word Perfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations.)

Operator : Ridge Hall Computer assistance; may I help you?

Caller : Yes, well I'm having trouble with Word Perfect'

Operator What sort of trouble??

Caller: Well, I was just typing along and all of a sudden the words
went away.

Operator: Went away?

Caller: They disappeared.

Operator:Hmm, so what does your screen look like now?

Caller : Nothing.
Operator: Nothing??
Caller : It's blank. It won't accept anything when I type.

Operator : Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Caller: How do I tell?
Operator : Can you see the C prompt on the screen??
Caller : What's a sea-prompt?

Operator : Never mind, can you move the cursor around the screen?
Caller : There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

Operator : Does your monitor have a power indicator??
Caller : What's a monitor?
Operator : It's the thing with a screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light on it that tells you when it's on??
Caller : I don't know.

Operator : Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??

Caller : Yes, I think so.
Operator: Great, Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller : Yes it is.
Operator : When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it,not just one??
Caller: No.
Operator : Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other cable.
Caller : Okay, here it is.

Operator : Follow it forme, and tell me if it's plugged into the back of your computer.
Caller : I can't reach.

Operator : Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is??
Caller : No.
Operator : Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??
Caller : Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.

Operator : Dark ??
Caller : Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window.
Operator : Well, turn on the office light then.
Caller : I can't.
Operator : No? Why not??
Caller : Because there's a power failure.

Operator : A power ........ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've get it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals a d packing stuff your
computer came in??
Caller : Well, yes. I keep them in the closet.
Operator : Good , go get them, unplug your system and pack it all up just like
it was when you got it. Then take it to the store you bought
it from.
Caller : Really, is it that bad?
Operator : I'm afraid it is.

Caller : Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

Operator : Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer !!!!
<><><>

Bear Warning.

Due to the frequency of human-bear encounters , the Fish and Wildlife
Department is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and any persons
that use the out of doors in a recreational or work related function to
take extra precautions while in the field.

We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to
give advanced warning to any bears that may be close by, so you don't
take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out of doors to carry "Pepper Spray" with
them in case of an encounter with a bear.

Outdoorsman should alao be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able
to tell the difference between black bear droppings and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and squirrel fur.
Grizzlybear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper.

To do this, we suggest you climb a tree. If the bear chases you up the tree,, it's
a black bear. If the bear knocks the tree down, it's a grizzly bear.

<><>
Well, it is time to close for this post. Stay well and stay warm or cool as the case
may be. Love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 648 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 5th December, 2009.
<><><>

Dream what you want to dream.

Post 647 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 1st December, 2009.

Hello my Friends ~~ I trust that all is well at your place, as it is here.
I hope the weather is treating you well. I am enjoying the start of our
Summer, today, and the temps are mid 20s, gradually climbing again.
November was too hot too soon. Happily, no fires as yet, or no major
ones is a better word to date.

Tonight I am posting a lovely poem that I often see parts of it here
and there. Not sure of it's title and the author is Unknown. I am sure
you will know some of the lines.

Dream what you want to dream;
Go where you want to go;
Be what you want to be,
Because you have only one life
And one chance to do all the things
You want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet,
Enough trials to make you strong,
Enough sorrow to keep you human and
Enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily
Have the best of everything;
They just make the most of
Everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always
Be based on a forgotten past;
You can't go forward in life until
You let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying
And everyone around you was smiling.
Live your life so at the end
You're the one who is smiling and everyone
Around you is crying.

<><>

Some more of my friend, Linda's lexiphiles I think she called them.
It's not a word am familiar with.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a Whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
other, "You stay here, I'll go on a head."

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said, "Keep off the grass."

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects.

<><>

Quote of the day from my good friend Gina. Thanks Gina.

Whatever you give a woman, she will make it greater. If you give her
sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries,
she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and
enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her a bit of crap, be ready to receive a ton of s**t.

<><>

One from my friend Warren called Oops !!!

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the
shadows. "Twenty Quid," she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides - what the heck,
it's only 20 quid.

So they hide in the bushes. They are going 'at it' for a couple of minutes
when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It's a police officer who says, " 'Ello, 'ello, what's going on here then,
people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love with my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I until you shone that light on her face."
<><>

My friend Robyn sent the next ones called "He Said to Me!"
I have seen these before called That's when the fight started.....

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got
nothing to put in it.
I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him . . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove and sink
while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart.

He said to me . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery
money I gave you?
I said to him . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said to me . . . . How many men does it take to change a roll
of toilet paper?
I said to him . . . . I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me . . .Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him . . . . They don't have time.

He said to me . . . .Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
I said to him . . . .They already have boyfriends.

He said to me . . . What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
I said to him . . . .A widow.

He said to me . . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him . . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go
to the fridge.
<><>

A few quotes to close with . . . . .

By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence.
Unknown.

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just
shows up by itself. ~ ~ Tom Wilson.

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie
about your age. ~ ~ Lucille Ball.

The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything;
the young know everything. ~ ~ Oscar Wilde.

Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch
your heart. ~ ~ Unknown.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind
can see, ~ ~ Mark Twain.
<><>

Well it is time to say Goodnight. Enjoy your lives and have a little
fun every day. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 647 ~ ~ Tuesday, 1st December, 2009.
<><><>

Change Your Thinking.

Post 646 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 28th November, 2009.

Hello Everyone ~~ I hope you survived Thanksgiving and all that food.
I am fine and very happy to have a few days a little cooler 25 ish and
also some lovely rain. More of both are predicted, which is great.

I will start tonight with some photos taken while Peter was here.

















Jeanette took this one, From left, Carol, Peter,Merle and Pauline.
Carol is Jen's daughter and Pauline her sister.We all still miss Gwen.


















M








Jeanette with her beloved Penny.


First story was sent by my dear friend Margaret Davidson. Thank you.
It is called "Change your Thinking."

It will take just 37 seconds to read this and change your thinking.

Two men, seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon
to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their
involvement with military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon, when the man by the window could sit up, he would
use the time by describing to his room-mate all the things he could
see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods
where his life would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and
color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.
Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model
boats, lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a
fine view of the skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man
on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this
picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a Parade passing by.
Although the man could not hear the band -- he could see it in his mind's
eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths onl to
find the body of the man by the window who had died peacefully in his
sleep. She was saddened and called hospital attendants to take the
body away.

As soon as it semed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be
moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the
switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully , he propped himself up on one elbow to take his
first look at the world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out
the window besides the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased
roommate to describe such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even
see the wall. She said," Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."

Epilogue !!
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our
own situatation.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness shared is doubled.

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money
can't buy.

Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.

The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to those
who pass it on.
<><>

Now for some jokes . . . . .

Thanks to my friend, Lorraine for the first one.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father
as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, : "You bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair
cut. Then we talk about the car."

The boy thought for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and
they agreed to it.

After about six weeks, his father said,"Son, you've brought your grades
up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I am
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that and I have
noticed in my studies of the Bible, that Samson had long hair; John the
Baptist had long hair. Moses had long hair . . . and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair."

To this, his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went ?"
<><>

Keeping Secrets.

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men
or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said one man scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered one woman guest.
"I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one"

"You'll let it out one day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so," responded the lady. "When a woman has
kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.

Thank you Sue and Bob for the Goodbye Mom one.

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady
following him around. If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore, she kept staring at him. Just before the check-out
she overtook him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel
uneasy. It's just that you do look so much like my late son.

He answered, "That's Okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Goodbye Mom" as I leave the
store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the check-out and on her way out of
the store he shouted "Goodbye Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day,
he went tp pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85." said the clerk.

"That can't be right . . . .I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for
her things too."

Bet you thought this would be a tear-jerker.

Don't trust little old ladies !!!
<><>

Thank you Margaret for another one. Best Clean Joke.

An Italian, A Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a
Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy,"You're in charge of sweeping."

He says to the Scotsman, "You're in charge of shovelling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now I have to leave for a little while. I expect
you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after a couple of hours, the pile of
sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese
fella that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared
and I couldna finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I
thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, " Aye, that ye did laddie, but I could na get
meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese in charge of supplies, but I
couldna find him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of
sand to find the Cninese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand
and yells, "SUPPLIES"!!!!
<><>

Time to call it a day, my friends. I hope everything is going well
for you. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 646 ~ ~ ~ Wednesday, 28th November, 2009.
<><><>

The Aussie Version of Creation.

Post 645 ~ ~ ~ Wednesday, 25th November, 2009.

A very Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate it. Have a very happy
day and enjoy the time with family and friends.

Hello Everyone ~ ~ I hope all is well in your corner of the world and
life is good. I am fine and really enjoyed having my brother Peter
here for 5 days. He left yesterday, and may call on his way home,
which would be great. We went out for two days, to Yarrawonga
to see Jeanette, her daughter Carol and sister Pauline, and we had
a lovely day, meal and enjoyed the company.

On Monday we went to Tocumwall to visit more friends, that we have
known since he was 16. Keith and his wife Anne. It was great to see
them and both look well, despite Anne having a melenoma removed
and having chemo and radiation. I hope she will be quite well very soon.

After Peter left, I did some laundry and then went shopping with my
carer lady for 2 hours. So I was pretty beat after all of that. I still
haven't checked my grocery list yet, but will get to it. It is all put away
which is the main thing.

The first item tonight was sent to me by Sue and Bob from England,
Thanks for this one, I liked it.

It is called "THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION."

In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy
matches, going to the beach and BBQ's. He created night for going
prawning, sleeping and BBQ's.....and God saw that it was good.















On the Second Day, God created water. . . for surfing, swimming and
BBQ's on the beach. And God saw that it was good.


On the Third Day, God created the earth to bring forth plants to
provide malt and yeast for beer, and wood for BBQ's, and God saw
that it was good.


On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans. . . . chops,
sausages steak and prawns for BBQ's and God saw that it was good.


On the Fifth day, God created a Bloke . . . to go to the footy, enjoy
the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's
and God saw that it was good.



On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go
to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the Barbie with.

So God created Mates . . . and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw
that it was good..


On the Seventh Day, God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the
hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled
the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good.

Well. . . almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created sheilas . . . . to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook
and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good. . . . .

It was better than that, it was bloody awesome!!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!














<><>

Another friend from the United Kingdom, Mike sent the next one.Thanks Mike.

Baby's First Doctor Visit.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's waiting room waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being
a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well strip dpwn to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed and kneaded and rubbed both
breasts.for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby
is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
<><>

My son John sent this next one. Thanks John.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a police-woman who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is." she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
<><>

My good friend Linda L. sent some Lexophiles for us. Thanks Linda.

1. A bicycle cannot stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's
your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road; poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you a flat
miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in
Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia " the LAN down under.

15. A calander's days are numbered.

16. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

17. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

18. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small
medium at large.

19. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

20. When you have seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

(There are more of these for another time.)
<><>

A few from my good friend Robyn. Thanks Robyn.

Actual call centre conversations.!!!

Customer: "I've been ringing 2100 for two days and can't get through
to enquiries, can you help?"

Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"

Customer: It was on the door to the Travel Centre."

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."
<><>

Samsung Electronics.

Caller: "Can you give the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone
Jack before cleaning. Now can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall."
<><>

RAC Motoring Services.

Caller: Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia?"

Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
<><>

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label. Woven in Scotland."
<><>

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a
phone box told a worried operator:

"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the
number on."
<><>

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer : "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer" "No."
Techsupport: "OK, Right-click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Caller: "No.."
Tech support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write "click" and I wrote "click."
<><>

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow, How can you see my screen from there?"
<><>

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have
my file back again.?"
<><>

Just a few quotes to close with . . . . . . .

I'd like to live like a poor man---only with lots of money.
~~~ Pablo Picasso.

It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only
necessary to be rich. ~ ~ Alan Alda.

A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of.
~ ~ ~ Jane Austen.

I am not a has-been. I am a will be. ~ ~ Lauren Bacall.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
~ ~ ~ J. Paul Getty.

The secret to success is to know something nobody else knows.
~ ~ ~ Aristotle Onassis.
<><>

Time to say Goodnight my friends. Look after yourselves and
each other. Enjoy a little fun and laughter each day.
Love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 645 ~ ~ ~ Wednesday, 25th November, 2009.
<><><>

Noah's Ark.

Post 644 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 20th November, 2009.

Hello Everyone ~~ I hope all is well with you and that your lives are
going well in this busy busy world of ours. My brother Peter is here at
the moment. He arrived on Wednesday night and yesterday we just
sat around catching up and playing on our computers. the temperature
went up to 41C which is around 105F, so it was darn hot and we were
very glad of the air conditioning. My son John came to see Peter and
came back to have the evening meal with us. (Pork chops and Vegs etc.)

Today , a little cooler we went out in Peter's lovely new car to do a bit of
shopping. Tomorrow we are going to Yarrawonga to see our friend Jan -
Jeanette, so that will be nice. She has had a bad time after her cataracts
were done, by developing fluid in the retinas of both eyes. I do hope that
they come good very soon for her. Her daughter, Carol is still there being
a great daughter, looking after her.

A very Happy 22nd birthday to my dear granddaughter, Kate today. I hope
it has been a great day Kate. Love always, Grandma. X X

Also a very Happy Birthday to my good friend Linda May who has a Birthday
tomorrow on Saturday, 21st November. Have a great day.


My first item tonight is called "Noah's Ark" Thank you to whoever sent this one.

NOAH'S ARK.
Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark.

ONE : Don't miss the boat.

TWO : Remember that we are all in the same boat!

THREE: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

FOUR : Stay fit. When you're 60 years old , someone may ask you
to do something really bog.

FIVE : Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to
be done.

SIX : Build your future on high ground.

SEVEN : For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

EIGHT : Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board
with the cheetahs.

NINE : When you're stressed, float awhile.

TEN : Remember the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by
Professionals.

ELEVEN : No matter what the storm, when you are with God, there's
always a rainbow waiting.

Please pass this on to people you want to be blessed.

Most people walk in and out of your life ..... but FRIENDS leave
footprints in your heart.
<><>

This one was sent to me by Patty and Sue and Bob. Thank you.

THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went out and found them.

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents. We would get spankings with wooden
spoons. switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one
would call child services to report abuse.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not
live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our tenth birthdays, made up games with
sticks and tennis balls. and although we were told it would happen, we
did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door
or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had try-outs and not everyone made the team. Those
who didn't had to learn to live with the disappointment. Imagine that.!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law.!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers,
problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have been an
explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom. failure. success and responsibility, and we learned
how to deal with it all.

So, if you're one of US, CONGRATULATIONS.

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to
grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government started
regulating so much of our lives for 'our own good.' And while you
are at it, forward to your kids so they will know how brave and
lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors,
doesn't it ??
<><>

Skipping Church.

Lately, Pastor Mike had grown weary from the demands of his
growing church. He was getting very little sleep and a couple of
deacons had really been putting him to the test.

So one beautiful Spring Sunday morning he decides he will feel
better with a relaxing game of golf. Pretending to be sick, he calls
the deacons and informs them he is sick and will not be able to
make it that day. He scheduled a guest speaker so everything
was under control without him.

As Pastor Mike was preparing to tee off on the first hole, the
Archangel Michael looked over at God and said, "I'm sorry sir,
but what are you going to do? Pastor Mike called in to his deacons
and said he was sick. He lied to them and the church. And he is
skipping church. Shouldn't you punish him somehow for his behavior?"

"Sure," said the Father. "I'm going to make him hit a hole-in-one on
every hole."

"A hole-in-one on every hole?" said Michael. "That's not punishment.
That's a blessing. No one has ever done that and you're going to help
this lazy, lying pastor score a hole-in-one on every hole. How is that
punishment?"

"Who's he gonna tell?"
<><>

My good friend, Lady Di sent me the next lot, called the "Top 8
Morons of 2008!!!! Thank you Dianne. I LoL reading these.

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT & T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance
package, Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
<><>

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.

Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gun-
man who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside
them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
<><>

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and
forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,
wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own
bank accounts.
<><>

4. THE GETAWAY !!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansasa Kwik Shop and asked for all
the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,
so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
<><>

5. DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself in a line-up. When detectives asked
each man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all your
money or I'll shoot" the man shouted, "Thta's not what I said."
<><>

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only 2 minutes apart." "Is this her first child?"
the doctor asked. "NO," the man shouted, "This is her husband."
<><>

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED.

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold
up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb
and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his
hand in his pocket. (hellooooo)
<><>

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were
having a problem. No matter how hard they tried. they couldn't
get their brand new 22 foot boat going.. It was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby
marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was
wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect
working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and
down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the
Marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER THIS IS TRUE.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was
the trailer.
<><>

Well, it is time to close for tonight. Look after yourselves my friends
and enjoy your lives. Love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 644 ~ ~ ~ Friday 20th November, 2009.
<><><>

A Gift of Love.

Post 643 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 15th November, 2009.

Hello Everyone ~~ At this stage my cousin rang and so it is now
a good half hour later as we always talk for a while, so I had better
get on with this. I hope all is well at your house and life is good.
I have been busy taking cutting from my pelargoniums and potting
them for gifts and to replace any plants. I am using tank water to
get them started. The weather has been hot so they need help.

I am looking forward to my brother Peter's visit next week and no
doubt we will burn some midnight oil catching up etc. Unfortunately
Warren couldn't get time off work to come with him, which is a
shame because it is a long way on your own.

First item tonight is called "A Gift of Love." Author Unknown.

"Can I see my baby?' the happy new mother asked.
When the bundle was nestled in her arms and she moved the fold
of cloth to look upon his tiny face, she gasped. The doctor turned
quickly and looked out the tall hospital window. The baby had been
born without ears.

Time proved the baby's hearing was perfect. It was only his
appearance that was marred. When he rushed home from school,
one day and flung himself into his mother's arms, she sighed, knowing
that his life was to be a succession of heartbreaks.

He blurted out the tragedy "A boy, a big boy . . . called me a freak."
He grew up, handsome for his misfortune. A favorite with his fellow
students, he might have been class president, but for that.He developed
a gift, a talent for literature and music. "But you might mingle with other
young people," his mother reproved him, but felt a kindness in her heart.

The boy's father had a session with the family physican. Could nothing be
done?" "I believe I could graft on a pair of outer ears. if they could be
procured," the doctor decided.

Whereupon the search began for a person who would make such a sacrifice
for a young man. Two years went by.

Then, "You are going to the hospital, Son. Mother and I have someone
who will donate the ears you need. But it's a secret," says the father.

The operation was a brilliant success, and a new person emerged. His
talents blossomed into genius, and school and college became a series
of triumphs. Later he married and entered the diplomatic service.

"But I must know." He urged his father. Who gave so much for me?
I could never do enough for him."
"I do not believe you could," said the father, but the agreement was
that you are not to know . . . not yet."

The years kept their profound secret, but the day did come. . . . one of
the darkest days that a son must endure. He stood with his father over
his mother's casket.

Slowly, tenderly, the father stretched forth a hand and raised the thick
reddish brown hair to reveal that the mother had no outer ears.

"Mother said she was glad she never let her hair be cut," whispered the
father gently, "and nobody ever thought Mother less beautiful, did they."

Real beauty lies not in the physical appearance, but in the heart. Real
treasure lies not in what can be seen, but what cannot be seen.
Real love lies not in what is done and known, but in what is done,
but not known.
<><>

First joke tonight was sent to me by my good friend Sharon. Thank you.
I truly didn't know this. Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips.

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but
there are more Catholic churches than Casinos.

Not surprisingly , some worshipers at Sunday services will give Casino
chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have
devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan
Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of
origin and cashed in.


THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

You didn't even see it coming, did you?
<><>

One from my dear friend Patty. Thanks for this one.

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It is after
midnight. While en route home he asks the cab driver if he would
be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch
her in the act. For $100, the cab driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip toe into
the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket
back and there is his wife in bed with another man.

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, "Dpn't do it. I lied when I told you I inherited money."

He paid for the Corvette I gave you.

He paid for our cabin cruiser.

He paid for your St. Louis Rams season tickets.

He paid for our house at the lake.

He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the
monthly dues."

Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cab driver and says, "What would you do?"

The cab driver replies, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before
he catches cold."
<><>

One from my good friend, Lady Di. Thank you, my friend.

Happy Butt.
It was the little girl's first day at school, and the teacher asked her
what her name was. She replied, "Happy Butt."

The teacher said, "Honey, I don't think that's your name. You need
to go to the Principal's office and get this straightened out."

So she went to the Principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?"

And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."

The Principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once
and for all.

After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey,
your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?"
<><>

My friend Linda May sent the next one. Thank you Linda.

Stuttering Cat.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, she asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we
knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard."

"That must have been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl said. "My kitty raised her back, went
"Ffffff, Ffffff, Ffffff"," but before she could say 'F*** Off', the
Rottweiler ate her."

The teacher had to leave the room.
<><>

Last one tonight called "Posthumous Interest.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February
and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance
had been $0.00 but now it was somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member, "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to Collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: "So what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: :Either report her account to the frauds division or report
her to the credit bureau, maybe both."
Family Member: Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: " Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part
about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you will have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone.
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: :The account was never closed and the late fees and
charges still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No. I'm her great nephew." (lawyer info given.)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (the fax number is given.)

After they get the fax . . . .
Citibank: "Our system is not set up for death. I don't know what
more I can do to help."
Family Mmember: "Well if you figure it out, great. If not you could
just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129,
Plot number 69.

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery."

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
<><>

Just a couple of quotes to finish with . . . . .

The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an
honest coward, like everyone else. ~ ~ ~ Umberto Eco.

Courage is being scared to death -- but saddling up anyway.
~ ~ ~ John Wayne.

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.
~ ~ ~ Quentin Crisp.

I generally avoid temptation, unless I can't resist it. ~~Mae West.

Insanity : Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting
different results. ~ ~ ~ Albert Einstein.

<><>

Bye for now my friends until next time. Take great care of each
other and yourselves . Don't worry, it may never happen.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 643 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 15th November, 2009.
<><><>

I Went to a Party.

Post 642 ~ ~ ~ Wednesday 11th November, 2009.

Hello my Dear Friends ~~ I hope you are all well and enjoying your
lives. It has been so hot here, over 100 F today and has been for all
the week with more to come. Our Summer starts on 1st December,
so it is early and breaking records everywhere. The "Powers that Be"
have started to do burning off, just when the heat wave started. A
few have got away on them, but none life-threatening or near homes.

More "Powers that Be" have decided to ease our water restrictions,
which is crazy when we haven't had rain. We are now able to water
our lawns and even wash cars. So many are against it at this time.
Right enough complaints - sorry about that, I don't do it often.
<><><>

Today was Rembrance Day in Australia, when the whole nation stops
for a minute's silence at 11 am on the 11th day of November. In
Memory of all the servicemen and women who gave their lives in
all the wars since World War 1, and for the servicemen and women
who are serving today in all parts of the world, and as Peace-
keepers. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will
remember them.
<><>

A few more flower pictures will cheer me up!!




A not very good picture of my sweet peas which are now done and are waiting
for me to get a burst of energy and a cooler day to pull them out.



A few more of the pelargoniums, which are my favorites.

The First item tonight came in an e mail from Sue and Bob from the
U.K. and is a warning about Drink Driving. Thank you for this one.

I went to a party.
And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mum.
So I had a Sprite instead.

I felt proud of myself.
The way you said I would,
That I didn't drink and drive,
Though some friends said I should.

I made a healthy choice,
And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended,
And the kids drove out of sight.

I got into my car,
Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming, Mum
Something I expected least.

Now I'm lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say,
The kid who caused this wreck was drunk,
Mum, his voice seems far away.

My own blood's all around me,
As I try hard not to cry.
I can hear the paramedic say,
This girl is going to die.

I'm sure the guy had no idea,
While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive,
Now I would have to die.

So why do people do it, Mum
Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me,
Like a hundred stabbing knives.

Someone should have taught him,
That it's wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had,
I'd still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter, Mum
I'm getting really scared.
These are my final moments,
And I'm so unprepared.

I wish you could hold me Mum,
As I lie here and die.
I wish I could say, "I love you, Mum"
So I love you and good-bye.

<><>

A Bear, a Lion and a Pig.

A bear, a lion and a pig meet. I know what you're thinking -
they eat the PIG . . . NO

The bear says, "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is
shivering with fear."

The lion says, "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is
afraid of me."

The pig says, "Big deal . . . .I only have to cough, and the entire
planet goes into mass panic."
<><>

One from my good friend Patty. Thank you Patty.

THE PSYCHOPATH TEST.

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down
to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as
it reads. No-one I know has gotten it right. Few people do.....

A woman, while at a funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom
she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed
him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right
there, but never asked his number and could not find him. A few
days later she killed her sister . . .

Question : What is her motive for killing her sister?

(Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below.)




















Answer :
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to
determine if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered
the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question
correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take
your crazy ass off my e-mail list.
<><>

A man was driving down the road when he saw a baby pig along
side of the road. He stopped and picked it up and headed home to
the city with his new found pet. AS the man drove home, the
piglet jumped up on the shelf in the back window and paced back
and forth - creating quiite a distraction for passing motorists.

After entering the city limits, a cop saw this and pulled the car over.
"Hey, what are you doing with that pig in the car?" the cop asked.

The driver replied, "Well, I just found him beside the road, so I thought
he'd make a great pet."
The cop responded, "I want you to take that pig to the Zoo."
The driver agreed and drove off.

The next day the cop saw the man driving around with the pig in the
back window again and pulled him over.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PIG
TO THE ZOO" He yelled.

"Well, I did take the pig to the Zoo. We had such a good time, we
are going to the ball game now."
<><>

Religious Differences.

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday
when he came to thd crossroads where he met a little girl coming
from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.
"I've been to church and I am on my way home," answered the girl.

"Me too," replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from
church. Which church do you go to?" the little boy asked.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road. What about you?"
The boy replied, "I go to the Catholic church at the top of the hill."

They discover they are both going the same way so they decided
to walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had
partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get
across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me
alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom will tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet,"
replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. I'm gonna pull off
all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm gonna do the
same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without
getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before
putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked,

"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there
really is between a Baptist and a Catholic."
<><>

A little boy asks his father, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find
out anyway. Your Mom and I ffirst got together in a chat room on
Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met
at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each
other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered neither one of us had
used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You've Got Male.
<><>

Time to say Goodnight my friends. Look after yourselves, and
each other. I hope you are happy with your lives. My love and
very best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 642 ~ ~ ~ Wednesday, 11th November, 2009.
<><><>

Merle's Pelargoniums.

Post 641 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 5th November, 2009.

Hi Everyone ~~ I hope all is well at your house and that life is good
for you all. I am fine and a few cooler days have helped, although we
are heading for 3 days in a row of 37C which is 98.6 F, so not very
pleased about that and sometimes it goes over the forecast.

I am showing off a few of my Pelargoniums tonight. They have been
beautiful this year, but are past their best.They are a type of Geranium
and are fairly hardy when they get settled, and easy on the water that
is always a problem with the lack of rain. We had a good October, but
none since.






I really enjoy seeing them and watching as they come to flower, and
this is a very small selection of the ones I have.

The first item tonight was sent to me by my niece, Vicki and I thought
it was so nice that I would share it with you. Thank you dear Vicki.

Think about this for a minute . . . . .

If I happened to show up on your door step crying, would you care?

If I called you and asked you to pick me up because something
happened, would you come?

If I had one day left to live my life, would you be part of that last day?

If I needed a shoulder to cry on, would you give me yours?

This is a test to see who your real friends are, or if you are just someone
to talk to you when they are bored.

Do you know what the relationship is between your two eyes?

They blink together, They move together, They cry together,
They see things together, and they sleep together, but they never
see each other; . . . . that's what friendship is . . . .

Your aspiration is your motivation,
Your motivation is your belief,
Your belief is your peace,
Your peace is your target,
Your target is heaven,
and life is hard core torture without it.

It is 'World Best Friends Week'
Who is your best friend?
Pass this on to all your good friends.

Save the Earth . . . . it's the only planet with chocolate!!!
<><>

One from my good friend Robyn. Thank you Robyn.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and that's it. Don't
waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding
up your heart does not make you live longer; it's like saying you
extend the life of a car by driving faster.Want to live longer, take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency . . . What do cows eat? Hay
and corn. And what are these? Vegetables... So steak is nothing
more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken... Beef, also a good source of of field grass
(leafy green vegetable.) And pork chop can give you 100% of
recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take water out of fruit so you get even more goodness
that way. Beer is also made of grain. Bottoms up!!!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well if you have a body, then you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have 2 bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages od participating in a regular
exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: no pain..good.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU ARE NOT LISTENING. Foods these days are fried in vegetable
oil. In fact they are permeated by it. How could getting more
vegetable be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not. When you exercise muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?? HELLO-O-O Cocoa bean. Another vegetable.
It's the best feel-good food around.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my life-style?
A: Hey!! Round is a shape.

Well I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,
"WOO-HOO," what a ride.!!
<><>

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?

Just try this. . .it is from an orthopedic surgeon. This will boggle
your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if
you can outsmart your right foot - but you can't.
It's programmed in your brain.

1. WITHOUT anyone watching you - they will think you are GOOFY
and sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer,
lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number six in the air with your
right hand. Your foot direction will change.

I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it.

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done, you
are going to try it again, if you haven't already done so.
<><>

One from my friend Warren. Thanks Mate.

Lovemaking for Seniors.
1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them all OFF.)

4. Make sure you put 000 on speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand, in case you forget.

6. Keep the polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up
under the bed.

7. Have Panadol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. . . .the neighbours are deaf too.

9. Don't even think about trying it twice.

I sent this in large type so you could read it.
<><>

Last one from my good friend Sharon. Thank you, my friend.
"Vat Da Hell Ole?

Ole's car was hit by a truck in an accident. In court, the trucking
company's lawyer was questioning Ole.

"Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine"? asked
the lawyer.

Ole responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule, Bessie, into da. . ."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'? "

Ole said, "Vell, I had just got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving
down the road . . . . . .

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule, Bessie."

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Vell, as I vas saying, I had
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and vas driving her
down da highway, ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one
ditch and Bessie into the other. I vas hurting real bad and didn't
vant to move."

"However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she vas
in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, da
Highway Patrolman, came to the scene. He could hear Bessie so he
vent over to her."

After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun
and shot her between the eyes.
Den the Patrolman, came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at
me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now, vat DA hell vould YOU say?"
<><>

Well it is past my bedtime, so I will close for tonight. Take good care
of yourselves and each other. Enjoy your lives. My love and best
wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 641 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 5th November, 2009.
<><><>

Little Girl Praying.

Post 640 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 1st November, 2009.

Hello my Friends ~~ I hope you enjoyed Halloween for the folks
who celebrate it, and hope you survived it, and didn't have to eat
too many sweets that were left over. I hope the weather is a
little of what you want. We have suddenly got quite warm in
Victoria - around 34 ,C and up to 37C which is 98F so it has begun
a bit early and so suddenly. The air conditioner has been on all week.
John came on Monday and climbed on my roof to clean and start
the ducted air conditioner. And later that day, I had to turn it on.
So thanks John. Today he put a new globe in my outdoor porch light.

My younger son, Geoff and his wife Joanne came up from Melbourne
on Friday night and on Saturday, we took the usual trip to Bunnings
where I bought some plants etc, which Geoff proceeded to plant for
me as well as general tidying up things. Thanks Geoff. It was almost
3 months since they visited, so saw a few little changes, in the garden.
It has been looking great lately with sweet peas over the top of the
fence and lovely pelagoniums blooming madly. Looking great.

First item tonight was sent to me by my good friend Sharon. Thank you.

LITTLE GIRL PRAYING.


Dear God,

Please send some clothes for all the ladies on Daddy's computer. Amen.
<><>



A lovely hanging basket, I got from Bunnings. It is a petunia called
Raspberry Blast. Everyone likes it, it's very pretty.

Now to find some jokes . . . . .The first 3 are from my good friend
Linda - thank you so much once again.

The first isn't really a joke, but is interesting.

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

An English Princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who

was drunk on Scottish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi

on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a South African using American Bill Gates's

technology and you're probably reading this on your computer, that

uses Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor, assembled by

Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian

truck drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals . . . . .

That, my friends is Globalization!!!
<><><>

Coyote control.

Proving once again how dangerous it is when the Federal Government
joins forces with the environmental whackos. The same combination
explains why we import over 50% of our oil instead of exploiting the
vast reserves we have. The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service
were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling
the coyote population. It seems that after years of the tried and true
methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers
had a more humane solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive. The
males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the
population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the
Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club
and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
minutes. Finally an old guy in the back of the conference room stood
up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand
our problem. Those coyotes ain't screwing our sheep - they're
eatin' 'em." There was a roar of laughter.
<><>

A lovely Australian Poem called "Goodbye Granddad."

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime.
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time.


We found him in the dunny (old word for outdoor toilet) collapsed
there on the seat,
a startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet.

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout.
The Constable had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks (spiders)quietly creeping and death from outer space.

No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt.
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,

"I reckon I can clear it up," said Dad with trembling breath,
"You see, it's quite a story - but it could explain his death."

"This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
and they reckoned that our farm was just the place for oil.

"So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials.
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles.

"Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.
And I couldn't let a hole like that go to flaming waste.

"So I moved the dunny over it -- real smart move I thought,
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'


"The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night/

"Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

"And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash--
Well, he always used to hold his breath - until he heard the splash!!!"
<><>

A little girl asked her mother if she could take the dog for a walk
around the block. Mum replies, "No, because she's on heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, Dad, may I take the dog
for a walk around the block and Mum said the dog was on heat."

Dad says, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag and soaked it in
petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, Okay, that
should take care of that problem. You can go now, but keep Belle
on the leash and only go once around the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on
the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway round the
block, so another dog is pushing her home."
<><>

Just a few quotes to close tonight. . . .

Forgiving means to pardon the unpardonable.
Faith means believing the unbelievable,
And hoping means to hope when things are hopeless.
~ ~ ~ G. K. Chesterton.

Miracles happen to those who believe in them.~~Bernard Berenson.

Oh God. Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to
distinguish the one from the other. ~ ~ Reinhold Niebuhr.

It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil.
If only they would expend the same amount of energy on loving
their fellow men, the devil would die of ennui in his own tracks.
~ ~ ~ Helen Keller.

He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses much more;
He who loses faith, loses all. ~ ~ ~ Eleanor Roosevelt.
<><>

Time to say Goodnight my friends. Take good care of yourselves
and each other. Enjoy your lives and have a great week ahead.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 640 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 1st November, 2009.
<><><>

Birthday Weekend.

Post 639 Tuesday, 27th October, 2009.

Hello Everyone ~~ I hope you all had a great weekend, because I did.
I had a house full of visitors and a wonderful time. My daughter, Kathy
and her three daughters arrived on Saturday about lunch time, so we
ate and talked and sat out in the gazebo, and then her son Joh and his
girlfriend Stevie arrived from Deniliquin, NSW. so more eating and more
talking and catching up and the obligatory photographs.

Then we all went out for a meal, including my son John and his friend
and a school friend of Kathy's, Sherrill who haven't seen each other for
a long time, and they talked and talked and enjoyed seeing each other.
We all had a really nice time. Now for some pictures, John took for me.



Kathy, who turned 48, cutting her cake and we sang Happy Birthday.



Her youngest child, Jorja who is 11 years old, taken at home.



Her second daughter, Kristen who will turn 17 in February. She drives the
car (Mercedes) at every opportunity. She drove all the way here and back.



Her eldest daughter, Kate who will be 22 in November. She has been
to France to work for a month in a restaurant and is now a chef, and
is such a help whenever she visits. Isn't she beautiful?






John took both sides of the table (and I forgot to take one of him). Sorry John.
From front -- Merle, Kathy's son Joh and his girlfriend Stevie, and Kate.


From the front, Heather, Sherrill, Kathy, Jorja and Krissy.

Kathy's other son Nick is 14 and was playing cricket, and helping his
Dad with the milking of the cows etc.


Now for a few jokes -- thanks to some friends of mine.

First one from my friend, Mike Burridge from England. Thanks, Mike.
London Lawyer versus Glasgow Cop.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow cop.
He thinks he is smarter than the cop, because he is a lawyer from
LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow
cops expense.

Glasgow cop says, "License and Registration, Please."
London lawyer says: "What for?"
Glasgow cop says: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop. License and
Registration Pleas."
London Lawyer says: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."


Glasgow cop says: Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and
Registration Please."
London Lawyer says: "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says: "The difference is, ye huvte come to a complete stop.
That's the law. License and Registration please."

London Lawyer says: "If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me a ticket."

Glasgow cop says: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, Sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the heck out of
the lawyer and says, "Dae you want me to stop or just slow doon?"
<><>

My good friend Linda L sent the next three jokes. Thank you Linda.

An 86 year old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 86 year old man
said "Things are great and I've never felt better."

I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child, so
what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to
tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you who is an avid
hunter and never misses a season."
"One day he was setting off to go hunting. He was in a bit of a
hurry, he accidently picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home
and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were
his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
"Now what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86 year old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody
else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
<><>

A man is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a
sign in front of a broken down shanty style house. "Talking dog
for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the
dog is in the backyard.

The man goes into the backyard and sees a nice-looking Labrador
retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a talking dog, he
says, "So what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the
CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured
a dog would be eavesdropping."

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But
the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the air-
port to do some under-cover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and
was awarded a batch of medals. "I got married had a mess of puppies,
and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he
wants for the dog. The guy said, "Ten dollars."
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why are you selling him so Cheap?

Because he's a liar. He never did any of that sh*t.
<><><>

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation
was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appearded at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the back entrnce, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who
sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence,


So Satan walked up tothe man and said, "Do you know how I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't" said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," the old man replied calmly.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony
for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years. . ..
<><>

Time to close as I am fighting off the sandman. I hope you are all well
and enjoying your lives. My love and best wishes to you all.
Cheers, Merle.

Post 639 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 27th October, 2009.
<><><>

Advice from a donkey.

Post 638 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 23rd October, 2009.

Hello my friends ~~ I hope all is well with you and your loved ones
wherever you live and that your lives are going well. I am fine and
am expecting my younger daughter to arrive tomorrow with her three
daughters for the weekend. It will be Kathy's 48th birthday, so I
have a lovely cake in the fridge for her ~~ ssh don't tell her.
It is 5 months to the day since I saw them for MY birthday, so it
will be really nice to have them visit even for a short time.

A very Happy Birthday to a blogging friend Diane J, I hpoe you have
a wonderful day Diane and many Happy Returns.

My first story is from my good friend, Linda L. Thank you so much.
It is about a donkey, with a moral at the end. From the donkey.

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.




Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed
to be covered up anyway.

It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors
to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was
happening and cried horribly. Then to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that
hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing...He would
shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the
animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over
the edge of the well and happily trotted off.

********
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick is to shake
shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-
stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
and never giving up. Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred -- Forgive.
Free your mind from worries -- most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.

NOW. . . . .

Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer
who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass. it always
comes back to bite you.
<><>

The first joke was e mailed to me by my dear friend, Lorraine. (The
very helpful friend who does so much for me.) Thank you so much.

A mother was driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, " how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies.
"It's not polite." "OK," the little girl says. "How much do you weigh?"
"Now, really," the mother says, "those are personal questions that are
none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady. Honestly."
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl told her friend.
"Well," says the friend, All you need is her driverr's license. It's like a
report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you
are. You're 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 130 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How on Heaven's name
did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why Daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks, "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."
<><><>

Next joke was sent by my good friend Sharon K. Thank you Sharon.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks
from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who
doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes
to be with you.

5. It's very very important that these four women do not know each
other.
<><>

A few short ones from my good friend Linda. Thank you fir these.

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive
him; Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for strength,
I'll beat him to death. AMEN.


Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. They are practicing to be MEN.


Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.


Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name?
A. You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e mail?
A. Rename the e mail folder "Instruction Manual."


KIDS ARE QUICK . . . . . also from Linda . . .

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America.
Class: Maria.

Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
John: You told me to do it without using tables.

Teacher" Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile'?
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.
Teacher: No, that's wrong.
Glenn: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


Teacher: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it's H to O.


Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have 10 years ago.
Winnie: Me.


Teacher: Now, Simon, tell me honestly, do you say prayers
before eating?
Simon: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.


Teacher: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps talking
when people are no longer interested?
Harold: A Teacher.

<><><>

A young woman sat in her stalled car, awaiting help. Finally two men
walked up to her. "I'm out of fuel," she purred. "Could you push me
to a service station?"

They readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks.
After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see they had just passed
a filling station.
"How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.

"I never go there," the woman shouted back. "They don't have full
service."
<><>

During a lecture for medical students, the professor listed as the
two best qualities of a doctor the ability to conquer revulsion and
the need for keen powers of observation. He illustrated this by
stirring a messy substance with his finger and then licking his
finger clean. Then he called a student to the front and made him
do the same.
Afterwards the professor remarked, "You conquered your revulsion,
but your powers of observation are not very good. I stirred with my
forefinger, but I licked my middle finger."
<><>

A few quotes to close with . . . .

A college degree is not a sign that one is a finished product but an
indication a person is prepared for life. ~ ~ Edward A. Malloy.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
~ ~ ~ Honore de Balzac.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them
sooner. ~ ~ ~ Red Skelton.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife
to go swimming. ~ ~ ~ Jimmy Carter.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? ~~ George Carlin.

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't
work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. ~~ Mickey Rooney.
<><>

Well time to say Bye for now. I hope you found something to interest
or amuse you. Love and best wishes to you all and enjoy your lives.
Have a wonderful weekend, Cheers, Merle.

Post 638 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 23rd October, 2009.
<><><>

Incredible Fish Story.

Post 637 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 19th October, 2009.

Hello Everyone ~~ I hope you all had a great weekend and life is good.
My friend, Lorraine came on Saturday and took me to Bunnings where
I got some tomato plants and a few other bits and pieces. And then
she insisted on putting them in for me. I am very lucky to have such a
good friend. I enjoy just walking around looking at my garden and the
flowers that are already in bloom. Life is good here in Shepparton.

First item tonight is one sent by Sue and Bob in England. A good story.Thanks.
An Incredible Fish Story.

Caught One to One and a half miles offshore while fishing after the
fires in Southern California.



Did he say , one and a half miles ??? What is that in the middle of the photo?
Can it really be??




It's a DEER.



Not too much of a struggle. Poor thing.




He was so tired and was so glad to get into our boat and rest.

And yes, we turned him loose when we got back to shore.

Just try beating this Fish Story. !!
<><>

I was very pleased to receive the "One Lovely Blog Award" and would
now like to acknowledge it and pass it on.
I received mine from a new friend, Kathy, Thank you once again.
http://kathyskandids.blogspot.com/

The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are as follows, Accept the award
and post it on your blog together with the name and link to that person.

Pass the award on to 15 bloggers, new or old with names and links. Then
notify the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

In no particular order, mine are:

1. Beth E http://endeanmom1.blogspot.com/

2. Margaret Cloud http://olddigger.blogspot.com/

3. Sharon http://sharonscottagequilts.blogspot.com/

4. Jeanette http://jenschronicles.blogspot.com/

5. Tracie http://rosezilla.blogspot.com/

6. Christina http://whatsupinparadise.blogspot.com/

7. Linda May http://lindylou.blogspot.com/

8. Patty http://oldladylincoln.blogspot.com/

9. Lady Di http://kittyjustice.blogspot.com/

10 Kerri http://colorsofthegarden.blogspot.com/

11. Carole http://peascorner.blogspot.com/

12 Jack K http://viewfromlansing.blogspot.com/

13 Dave http://dchamps.blogspot.com/

14 Renie http://renieburghardtsworld.blogspot.com/

15 Janice http://ladyjanice.blogspot.com/

These people all have great posts, with great stories, poems or jokes
or journals of their lives. All good blogging friends and you will enjoy a
visit to their blogs. The picture of the award is on the previous post
and I hope you will enjoy having it.
<><>

A joke from my friend, Linda May, Thank you my friend.

APARTMENT for RENT.
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with
her for $500. They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that
he didn't have any cash on him, but would have his secretary write a
cheque and mail it to her calling the payment. "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On his way to the office he regretted what he had done, realising that
the whole thing was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send
a cheque for $250 and enclose the following note.

Dear Madam: Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
place, I was under the impression that:
1 -it had never been occupied
2 there was plenty of heat
3 it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home

However I found 1. that it had been previously occupied
2 There wasn't any heat and
3 it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque
for $250. with the following note.

Dear Sir: 1. I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
2 As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on.
3 Regarding the space, the apartment is of regular size, but if you
don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management

So please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady. . . .

Let us find your next place for you. Need a place to rent, buy or share?
<><>

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man was
drafted by the Army. On his first day of basic training, the Army issued him
a comb. That afternoon the Army barber shaved off all his hair.

O his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon
the Army dentist removed seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army
issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman James
for 51 years.
<><>

Well, I will close now and go visit 15 blogger friends. Take care of yourselves
and each other. Enjoy your lives my friends. My love and best wishes to you
all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 637 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 19th October, 2009.
<><><>

New Award from Kathy.

Post 636 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 15th October, 15th October, 2009.

Hello again Everyone ~~ I hope all is well in your corners of the world.
I am fine, have been very busy the last few days. I had my friend,
Lorraine come on two afternoons and she planted some lovely new plants
for me. Mostly pelagoniums and geraniums and she also put up some
nice new colored solar lights, so all is looking nice again. I will take some
photos soon. We have had a lot of showery weather. You know how
tiring this supervising is.

Then shopping day on Tuesday and today I went to see my doctor who
said all the blood tests were good. So all is well for now.
Next project is to get some tomato plants in and plan more spring
onions. And also get a few new herbs.

I was really surprised and very pleased to get the "One Lovely Blog"
award from a new friend Kathy. Thank you so much and I will post the
list of my recipients in the next day or so.


A very lovely award and I am so honored to receive it.






These are two odd photos and I thought they were quite good. Enlarge them.

First item tonight is called "If God Texted the 10 Commandments."

1. no1 b4 me. Srsly.

2. dnt wrshp pix/idols.

3. no omg's

4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r.

5. pos ok - ur m&d r cool.

6. don't kill ppl.

7. :-x only w/m8.

8. dnt steal.

9. dnt lie; bf.

10 dnt ogle ur bf's m8, or ox, or donkey. myob.

M, pls rite on tabs and giv 2 ppl. ttyl, JHWH.

ps wwjd? Pastor Tim.
<><>

Next one is not really a joke. Anything but !! This was sent by
my English friend Mike B. and previously by my friend Jim.
Thank you both. It is called the "New Alphabet."

A is for apple, and B , is for boat
That used to be right, nut now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what once was said, but let's be a bit
realistic instead.

A is arthritis; B for bad back; C for the chest pains perhaps
car-d-iac? D is for dental decay and decline.
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.
F is for fissures and fluid retention.
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is for high blood pressure
I for incisions with scars you can show
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L 's for libido. What happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is for neuralgia, in nerves
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow.
P for prescription, I have quite a few
just give me a pill and I'll be as good as new.
Q is for queasy. Is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless night, counting my fears.
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears.
U is for urinary; troubles with flow;
W is for worry. NOW what's going around?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y for another year I'm left here behind.
Z is for zest I still have ~~ in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed and I'm
keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed !!!
<><>

Next one from my friend Big Dave T. Thanks for this one.

A doctor was visiting the ward where they put patients with delusions
of grandeur. He went up to one patient and asked his name.
"It's Napoleon," he said, his hand stuffed in his shirt.

"God told me I was Napoleon." Then a voice came from a patient
across the room, "No, I didn't."
<><>

One from my friend Sheree-N-ChinaMcClernan. Thank you.

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces
with your bare hands -and then just eat one of the pieces. Judith Viorst

Man cannot live on chocolate alone, but a woman sure can. Author Unknown.

The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away
from chocolate. ~ ~ Terry Moore.

There is no Chocolates Anonymous because no one wants to quit.

Money can't buy love, but it can buy a lot of chocolate.

Forget love, I'd rather fall into chocolate.

Carpe Cocoa ~~ Seize the Chocolate.

Chocolate can't solve life's problems. But can make them seem
temporarily small and silly compared to sheer taste-bud ecstasy.

In the beginning, the Lord created chocolate, and He saw it was
good. Then he separated them the light from the dark and it was better.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a
person gain an extra five pounds.

There's no chocolate in hell. That's why it's called hell.
<><>

Well, I have to close for tonight my friends as I cannot stay awake.
Look after yourselves and each other. Love and best wishes to you all.
Cheers, Merle.

Post 636 ~~ Thursday, 15th October, 2009.
<><><>

By Degrees.

Post 635 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 9th October, 2009.

Hello Everyone ~~~ I hope all is well with you,
my friends. I am OK and just put some roses on
to brighten the blog and because I like them.

I had some blood tests yesterday, and my hair cut
today, so that feels better. I get 3 monthly tests
on my diabetes etc, so see Doctor next week.



We have several birthdays among our blogging friends and I hope they
all have a wonderful day for their birthdays. First is Susie tomorrow
on the 10th. On Tuesday 12th Mary of Canada and on the 13th there
are two Pea also from Canada and Jack K. from the US.
<><>

First item tonight is a small poem by Robert Heyward - "By Degrees."

One step upon another, And the longest walk is ended;
One stitch upon another, And the longest rent is mended;
One brick upon another, And the highest wall is made;
One flake upon another, And the deepest snow is laid.

Then do not look disheartened, On the work you have to do,
And say that such a mighty task, You never can get through.
But just endeavour day by day , Another point to gain;
And soon the mountain which you fear, Will prove to be a plain.
<><>
First joke is called "Dust to Dust."

After church little Johnny told his parents he needed to speak to
the pastor. When he spoke with the pastor, he said, "I heard you
say today that we came from dust and when we die we go back
to dust."

The pastor said, "Yes I did and I am glad you were listening. Why
do you ask?" Little Johnny said, "Well, you better come back to my
house and look under the bed because either someone is coming
or going."
<><>

One from Sue and Bob in England. Thanks for this one.

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer
for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next
day.The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, the donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Chuck said, "OK, then just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm gonna raffle him."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle a dead donkey."
Chuck said, "Sure I can Watch me.. I won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"
Chuck said , "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a
piece and made a profit of $898.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars
back."
Chuck now works for the government.
<><>

One from my friend Warren called "The Buttocks." Thanks.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face
was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from
his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the
only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have
to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about
where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor
honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before. All his friends
and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty.

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with
emotion at her sacrifice.

He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for
me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss you on the cheek.
<><>

One from Lady Di called "Grandfathers and Grandmothers." Thanks Di.

Have you ever wondered about the difference between Grandfathers
and Grandmothers? Well here it is:

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a
special effort with his family on the weekends.

Every Sunday morning he would take his 7 year old granddaughter
out for a drive in the car for some bonding time . . . just he and his
granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't
feel like being up at all. Luckily his wife came to the rescue and said
that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
grandfather. "Well did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?"

"Oh yes, Papa," the girl replied, "and do you know what? . . . . We
didn't see a single dumb Bas***d, or a dip sh*t, or an a*sh*le
anywhere we went today."
<><>

I found this one on the Internet - it's not very nice, funny ending.
The Date.

Cross my heart, this happened to someone. This guy lives in
Winchester NY and goes to school at Ithica College. For two years,
he has wanted to ask a certain girl out on a date but has never
had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters
up the courage to ask her out. She accepts and they make a date for
Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all his buddies and drinks like
Prohibition is coming back.

Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can;t make it through 20
minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After
several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but is still running
to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date,
because he is afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester and take the train to NY city (about a 30
minute ridee.) They get to the restaurant , and he excuses himself
during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the
appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the
entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another
rumbling, but doesn't want to look a complete bathroom freak, so he
holds it. The rumbling subsides, but he still has some gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly
of course) Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little
surprise. Instead of running straight to the bathroom, our hero immediately
leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this little surprise.
He maintains this yoga position trying to figure out what to do.

He quickly pays for dinner, and they leave the restaurant. Oh by the
way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they
pass The Gap clothing store.

"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater I was looking at last week?"
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into
the Gap and fortunately men's fashions are on the right, and ladies on
the left. They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater he sees and hurries back to the khakis.

After selecting a pair that resembled his current outfit, he brings both
items to the register. His eyes on his date to make sure she doesn't
see him buying pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says,
"just the pants." he says to the clerk. He pays for the pants and walks
over to his date, and they leave the store.

They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats
in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself
and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car.

He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his
pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out
the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls
out . . .

Just the sweater.
<><>
A few quotes to get over that one. . . . .

I do not fear computers. I fear lack of them. ~ ~ Isaac Asimov.

The dangers from computers is not that they will eventually get as
smart as men, but we will meanwhile agree to meet them halfway.
~ ~ ~ Bernard Avishai.

The best car safety device is a rearview mirror with a cop in it.
~ ~ ~ Dudley Moore.

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do.
~ ~ ~ B. F. Skinner.

If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs, but the push-button finger.
~ ~ ~ Frank Lloyd Wright.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
~ ~ ~ Robert Benchley.

Well folks it's time to say Goodnight. Take great care of yourselves
and each other. Enjoy your lives and have some fun every day.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 635 ~ ~ ~ Friday, 9th October, 2009.
<><><>

Cowboy Poem.

Post 634 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 5th October, 2009.

Hello again my friends ~~ I hope all is well with you all. I am OK and
still having callers and keeping busy. My friend, Mike did some jobs for
me, as he did last week. He is like another son and I cook some meals
for him when I do my cooking. We have just begun Daylight Saving
Time in about 4 states of Australia. Queensland do not have it. Mike
put all my clocks an hour ahead for me - the ones I can't reach. Today
I cooked a leg of lamb and lots of roast vegetables, green beans & corn.
Tomorrow is home care day for me and the latest girl will tidy things up
which will be nice. Fresh sheets on my bed - I look forward to.

My story tonight is called "The Cowboy Poem" and was sent to me by
my dear blogging friend Nancy. Thank you Nancy.

Jake, the rancher, went one day
To fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty. . . .
And the clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in,
And gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen . . .
The wind and snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pick-up,
He felt a heavy heart.
From the sound of that ignition,
He knew it wouldn't start.

So Jake did what most of us
Would do if we had been there . . .
He humbly bowed his balding head
And sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for the last time,
He softly cursed his luck,
They found him three days later,
Frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life,
And done his share of roaming,
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked,
It looked just like Wyoming!

Of all the saints in Heaven,
His favorite was St. Peter.
So they sat and talked a minute or two,
Or maybe it was three.
Nobody was keeping score . . .
In Heaven, time is free.

"I've always heard," Jake said to Pete,
"That God will answer prayer,
But one time I asked for help,
Well He just plain wasn't there."

"Does God answer prayers of some,
And ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square,
I know all men are brothers."

"Or does He randomly reply,
Without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day,
The weather or the season."

"Now I ain't trying to act smart,
It's just the way I feel.
And I was wondering, could you tell me . . .
What the heck's the deal?"

Peter listened very patiently,
And, when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition,
And he said, "So, you're the one !"

"That day your truck, it wouldn't start,
And you sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a bad time,
With hundreds of us trying."

"A thousand angels rushed,
To check the status of your file.
But you know Jake, we hadn't heard
From you in quite a long while."

"And, though all prayers are answered,
And, God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice,
And, started a truck in Minnesota !!"

BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH !!
<><>

First joke from my dear friend Gina. Thank you Gina.
I have called it "Quick thinking Kiwi."

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working
in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "some old
bloke wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence
he turned around to find the man was standing right behind him, so he
quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think
on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager. "My wife is from New Zealand."

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
<><>

One from my blogging friend, Embee. Thanks Mike, from the UK.

Better than a Flu Shot.

Miss Beatrice, The church organist was in her Eighties and had
never married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness
to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she made tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ. The young minister noticed
a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things,
a condom. When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer
resist.
"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
He pointed to the bowl.

"Oh yes," she said, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park
a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would
prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all
Winter.
<><>

One from my good friend Linda L. Thanks Linda. It is called
"When to start cussing."

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year
old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with
'hell' and you say something with 'a*s'
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what
he wants for breakfast. he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have
some Cheerios."

WHACK ! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor
gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in
hot pursuit, slapping his rear end with every step. She locks him in his
room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat a*s it won't
be Cheerios."
<><>

Another one from England. Thank you Sue and Bob.

A blonde gets home from shopping and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband
naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks. "I think I am having a heart attack." cries
the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she is
dialling, her four year old son comes up and says, "Mommy, Mommy,
Auntie Shirley is hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on."

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the
bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the wardrobe door and
sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

"You rotten Bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack,
and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids."
<><>

A couple more from Linda.

One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?
"It depends. What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE." And they say blondes are dumb.
<><>

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world . ."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you......"
<><>

It's just too hot to wear clothes today." Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would
think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
<><>

Q. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A. A rumur.
<><>

Just a few quotes to close with.

I know that God will not give me anything I can't handle.
I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. ~ ~ Mother Teresa.

I believe God is in me as the sun is in the color and fragrance
of a flower - - the light in my darkness, the voice in my silence.
~ ~ ~ Helen Keller.

God has made many doors opening into truth which He opens
to all who knock upon them with hands of Faith.~~Kahlil Gibran.


Faith is to believe what you do not see;
The reward of this faith is to see what you believe.
~ ~ ~ St.Augustine.

Without faith, nothing is possible.
With it, nothing is impossible. ~ ~ Mary McLeod Bethune.

There is nothing that wastes the body like worry and one who
has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about
anything whatsoever. ~ ~ Mahatma Gandhi.

Well, time to say Goodnight to you all. I hope the week will be a
really good one for all of us. Take great care of yourselves and
each other. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 634 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 5th October, 2009.
<><><>

Mizpah.

Post 633 ~ ~ Wednesday, 30th September, 2009.

Hello Everyone ~~ I have had quite a few visitors and haven't been
able to get to the computer much. I had my friend Lorraine call in on
Monday, shopping day Tuesday, and today my friend Michael called
in and did some gardening for me as he has finished his season of
pruning fruit trees for this year. He will pick the fruit when it is ready.

My cousins, Phyll and Gordon came this afternoon and it was lovely
to see them as it has been a while.
I hope all is well with you all, and life is being good for you.

I have a small quote that I like, called Mizpah. It is from the Bible.

May the Lord watch between thee and me,
When we are absent one from the other.

As I have started late, I will find some jokes and get on with it.
First one is from my good friend Gina. Thanks Gina.

When Nothing Goes Right.

A short guy sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour
when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink,
gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing
stare as if to say, "What'cha gonna do about it?

The poor little guy starts to crying . . . . . . .

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says.
I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," said the little guy, between sobs.

"I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important
meeting, so my boss fired me . . . When I went to the parking lot,
I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
wallet in the cab I took home."

He continues, crying even harder. "Then I found my wife in bed
with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to
work trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then
you show up and drink the damn poison."
<><>

A few from my dear friend Linda May. Thank you Linda.

Woman over 50 don't have babies because they would put them
down and forget where they put them.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth contol pills . . .
She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

One of life's mysteries is how a a 2-pound box of chocolates
can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice thing about living in a small town is that when you don't
know what you are doing, someone else does.

The older you get. the tougher it is to lose weight because by then
your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain
consciousness.

Amazing. You hang something in your closet for a while and it
shrinks 2 sizes.

Skinny people irritate me. Especially when they say things like . .
"You know, sometimes I forget to eat." . . . Now I have forgotten
my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have
never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to
forget to eat.

The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing
and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating
too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding?
That's my idea of a perfect day.
<><>

One from my dear friend, Barbara. Thank you for this one.

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how he
determines whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well" said the director, we fill up a bath-tub, then we offer,
A teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or
her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said."A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the teaspoon or teacup."

"No," said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do
you want a bed near the window?"
<><>

Well, time for me to go to bed. Have been on my feet, nearly all
day. Take great care dear friends. My love and best wishes to
you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 633 ~ ~ ~ Wednesday, 30th September, 2009.
<><><>

Graduation Day.

Post 632 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 24th September, 2009.

Hello My Friends ~ ~ I hope you are all well and that things are going
well for you. I am fine and all is well here. A little bit of rain now and
then, and I have small Broad Beans on my plants - Yay!! And I have
some green bean plants about 2 inches high. My Wisteria is almost
in full bloom and the Pelargoniums are starting to bloom. I think that
Spring is really with us at last. Also a few Sweet Peas flowering.

Please pop over to wish, our blogging friend, Sandy a very happy
birthday for the 24th. I hope you have had a lovely day, Sandy
<><>
I have posted this nice story before, but feel it could run again. It was
sent to me again recently by my friend, Linda Lander. Thanks, Linda.

One day when I was a freshman in high school, I saw a kid from my
class walking home from school. His name was Kyle. It looked like he
was carrying all of his books. I thought to myself, "Why would anyone
bring home all his books on a Friday? He must really be a nerd."

I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my
friends tomorrow afternoon) so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.
As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him. They ran at
him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed
in the dirt. His glasses went flying in the grass about ten feet from him..
He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes.

My heart went out to him. So I jogged over to him as he crawled
around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in his eye.
As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. They really
should get lives."

He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!!"
There was a big smile on his face. It was one of those smiles that
showed real gratitude. I helped him pick up his books, and asked where
he lived. As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked why hadn't I
seen him before. He said that he had gone to a private school before.
I would never have hung out with a private school kid before.

We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books. He turned
out to be a pretty cool kid. I asked if he wanted to play football with my
friends and he said Yes.

We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I
liked him and my friends thought the same of him.
Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books
again. I stopped him and said, "Boy, you're gonna really build some
serious muscles with this pile of books." He just laughed and handed me
half the books. Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.
When we were seniors we began to think about college. Kyle decided on
Georgetown and I was going to Duke.

I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a
problem. He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a
football scholarship. Kyle was Valedictorian of our class. I teased him
all the time about being a nerd. He had to prepare a speech for graduation.
I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak.

Graduation day, I saw Kyle. He looked great. He was one of those guys
that really found himself during high school. He filled out and actually
looked good in glasses. He had more dates than I had and all the girl
loved him. Boy, sometimes I was jealous! Today was one of those days.

I could see he was nervous about his speech, so I smacked him on the
back and said, "Hey , big guy, you'll be great."
He looked at me with one of those looks, (the really grateful one) and
he smiled and said, "Thanks."

As he started his speech, he cleared his throat and began . . . .
"Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through
those tough years. your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a
coach . . . but mostly your friends. . .
I am here to tell you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you
can give them. I am going to tell you a story.

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told of the first day we met.
He had planned to kill himself over the weekend. He talked of how he
had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and
was carrying his stuff home.

He looked hard at me and gave a little smile. Thankfully I was saved.
My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable. I heard a gasp go
through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his
weakest moment. I saw his Mom and Dad looking at me and smiling
that same grateful smile.

Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.
Never underestimate the power of your actions . . . .
With one small gesture you can change a person's life.

Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble
remembering how to fly.
There is no beginning or end . . Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a
mystery. Today is a gift.

A bit long but a lovely story, so be generous with your actions.
<><>
Now for some jokes ~ ~ ~ Thanks Margaret in Q'ld for - -
"Why Men are Never Depressed"

Men are just happier people - - What do you expect, from such
simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another
snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO
shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world
is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station rest-
room, because this one is too icky. You don't have to stop and
think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000, Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff
about tanks . A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest
act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she
can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are
more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your
face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years,
maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes --
--one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how
your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have
freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th
in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.
<><>
Thanks Warren for the next one.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and
stayed there..

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom
and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware
of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged
from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in
and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that
your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bath-
robe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?"
Happy Mental Health Day !!
<><>

"Confessional Realization."

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional. He notices on one side a
fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap and on the other side, a
dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

Father forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to
Confession, but I must admit the confessional box is much more
inviting these days.

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."
<><>
A few more from my friend Linda - Thank you.

A middle aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always
talked about having a son. They decided to try one more time
for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and
delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife; "There's no way I can be the father of this
baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "No, not this time."
<><>
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her
husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you. Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" inquired the husband as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied
"The Smiths bought one and I liked it, so got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and
returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this, I stood for two
days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
<><>

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.
"One cent ?" the man exclaimed. "How much for a nice juicy
steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman repied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where is the owner of this place?"

The bartender replied, " Upstairs with my wife."
The man asked, "What is he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business
down here."
<><>

Jake was dying. His wife sat at his bedside. He looked up and
said weakly "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your
sister, your best friend, and your mother!!"

"I know, she replied, Now just rest and let the poison work."
<><>

Time to get myself to bed. Look after yourselves, my dear friends.
Bye until next time. My love and best wishes to you all.
Cheers, Merle.

Post 632 ~ ~ ~ Thursday, 24th September, 2009.
<><><>

The Sunday Paper.

Post 631 ~ ~ ~ Saturday 19th September, 2009.

Hi Everybody ~~ I hope all is well with you and life is good.
I am fine - but alone again (naturally). My visitors did not
arrive, a case of illness with one lot and Geoff and Jo have
changed the date. So I have been giving my neighbors a few
profriteroles, salads etc and stuffed things in the freezer, so
no harm done.

I had a lovely surprise on Wednesday as my dear friends,
Jeanette and her sister Pauline called in for a cuppa. Jan had
brought a cream cake, which the three of us made a mess
of and later, my friend, Michael called so I gave it to him as
there was no room in the fridge for anything more. He
enjoyed it.

Jan was looking good after her two surgeries, one for a
cataract, another for a small lesion below her other eye. So
when that has healed, she has the second cataract done.
She is not supposed to spend much time on the computer,
but will visit you all when she is able. Meanwhile it is nice
to see some recent posts from our friend Wazza.
Keep up the good work Warren.

Thank you to my friend Barbara for "The Sunday Paper."

I just know this will be me someday.

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you
who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors.
It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are !!




"WHERE IS MY SUNDAY paper?" The irate customer calling the newspaper
office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam," said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The
Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed
by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, "Well, fancy that,
so that's why no one was at church today."
<><>

A few more of Sherrill's "Idiots strike everywhere." Thanks Sherrill.

A man wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch
and wrote, "Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he got to the teller's window . . . So he left the
Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. .

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller.
She read it, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his
stick-up note because it was on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go
back to the Bank of Queensland. . .

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and left. . . .
He was arrested a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back
at the Bank of Queensland. Happened at Noosa.
<><>

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash in the cash-drawer. . . After the cashier put the cash
in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind
the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as
well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't think you are
over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because she didn't believe him . . . At this point, the robber took
his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. . .
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over
21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from
the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and
address of the robber that she got off the licence.
They arrested him 2 hours later.
<><>

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some
booze and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head
at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious.

It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi Glass.
The whole event was seen on video-tape. Perth, WA.
<><>

I was at the airport checking in a the gate when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage
without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without
my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Melbourne.
<><>

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up
our car, we were told the car keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic
working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "It's open."

In reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the FORD dealership at DUBBO NSW.
<><>

My friend in England sent me this one. Thanks, Embee.
A fun one to type !!!

Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were
driving through Wales. At the town of:-

Llanfairpwllgwyngy;;gogoerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch

They stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very very slowly?"


The girl leaned over and said, "Burrr? gurr? king?
<><>

One from Warren --- Thanks mate.
Now I'm not having a go at the Kiwis, but they do have a
reputation . . . . don't they????

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and
better to the lonely Kiwi.

Soon he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until he took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets but
there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another ship-
wreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most
beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad
way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to
their evening ritual.

It was another beautiful evening . . . red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm
gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon the
Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urges as
long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the
opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously and
whispered in her ear,

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk.?"
<><>

A joke from my good friend Linda May -- Thanks Linda.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife.
"I can't lie to you," he replied. I'm having an affair with my
secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said,

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf."
<><>
(I have some more of these for next time.)
<><>

Never judge a book by its movie. ~~~ J. W. Egan.

Write something to suit yourself and many people will like it.
write something to suit everybody and scarcely anyone will
care for it. ~ ~ ~ Jesse Stuart.

An actress can only play a woman. I am an actor, I can play
anything. ~ ~ ~ Whoopi Goldberg.

You know it's a terrible thing to appear on television, because
people think that you actually know what you are talking about.
~ ~ ~ Daivid Attenborough.

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately
unrehearsed. ~ ~ ~ Sean O'Casey.

All music is folk music. I ain't never heard no horse sing a song.
~ ~ ~ Louis Armstrong.
<><>

Time to call it a day for this post. John will be heading home in
the morning - it takes most of 2 days. I am glad he and his biker
companion spent 2 nights at Peters. Thanks for having them
litlle brother, hope they haven't been too much trouble.
My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 631 ~ ~ ~ Saturday, 19th September, 2009.
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Dust If You Must.!!

Post 630 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 15th September, 2009.

Hello Everyone ~ ~ I hope all is well with you and the week and the
weather are treating you nice. All good here, nice day, shopping day
so all stocked up again, which is good as I am having a few visitors
over the next few days. My son Geoff and his wife Jo are coming for
a night and then off to get some firewood.

Then I have a dear friend who was a bridesmaid at Kathy's wedding
and her youngest daughter and a new friend are coming for the night
on Saturday, so it will be lovely to see them. Kim lost her husband
last December and her mother recently, so it is nice to see her smiling
again. (Saw her photo on Facebook !!)

My other son, John is off in the morning on his motorbike all the way
to Brisbane, with a mate from Echuca to attend another mate's
funeral. He will see his daughters and spend a couple of night's at my
brother Peter's home in Gympie. He should be home on Monday.

The first item tonight was sent by my dear friend, Patty. It is called
"Dust if you Must" and both Patty and I think it's a good idea. Thanks.

Remember ...a layer of dust protects the wood beneath it.




A house becomes a home when you can write 'I love you' on the furniture.

I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend making sure everything was
just perfect - 'in case someone came over.'

Finally I realized one day, that no-one came over; they were all out living life
and having fun.

NOW, when people visit, I don't have to explain the 'condition' of my home...

They are more interested in hearing about the things I've been doing while I
was away and having fun.

If you haven't figured this out yet, please heed this advice.

Life is short. Enjoy it.

Dust if you must ........
but wouldn't it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake cookies
or a cake and lick the spoon or plant a seed, ponder the difference
between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time. . . . .
with beer to drink, rivers to swim and mountains to climb, music to
hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there with the sun in your
eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain.

This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind, old age will come and it's not kind . . .

And when you go - and go you must - you, yourself will make
more dust !!

It's not tyou gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind
of life you have lived.
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My dear friend, Margaret from Q'ld sent me the next on. Thank you..

Emergency Call.

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidently shoots his wife.
He immediately dials 000.

Irishman : "It's my wife. I've accidently shot her. I've killed her."

Operator: "Please calm down Sir. Can you make sure she is
actually dead?"

"click" "BANG."

Irishman: "Okay, done that. What next?"
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The next couple are from my friend, Warren, Thanks, mate.

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees
a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his
cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent
exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks, "Why in the world are you walking
around like this?"

The cowboy says, "Well it's like this, Sheriff . . . I was in this bar
down the road and this pretty red-head asks me to go out to her
homestead with her. . . . So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
shirt . . . . So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants . . .
. . .So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts . . .
. . . . So I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
"Now go to town cowboy.."
And here I am.'

Son of a gun. Blonde Men do exist !!
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Two Little Old Ladies.

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local
town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never
have any fun anymore. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak
through that stupid flower show."

"You're on." said the other old lady, holding up a $10 bill.

The first old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and then
completely naked streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the
front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the
hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling
and naked old lady came through the exit door, surrounded by a
cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won the Best Dried Arrangement."
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A few from my good friend, Sherrill called"Idiots strike everywhere."
Thank you Sherrill.

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at
the poison centre. Today, this woman called in very upset, because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that
the ants are not harmful and there was no need to bring her little
daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order
to kill the ants. . .I told her that she better bring her daughter into
the emergency room right away.
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Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Rescue
Helicopter coming towards them . . . It turned out that the chopper
was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when
the raft was inflated. . . They are no longer employed at Boeing.
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A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move." When his partner moved, the
startled first bandit shot him.
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My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She
asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said
he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg."
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There are some more idiots for next time.
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Well, it is time to say Goodnight until next time my friends.
Enjoy your lives and have a great 'rest of the week.'
Love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 630 ~ ~ ~ Tuesday, 15th September, 2009.
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