Bagpiper at Funeral.

Post 785 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 3rd June, 2012.

Hello Everyone ~~ The weeks go so quickly don't they? I hope all is well at your house and that you are enjoying your lives. I am doing fine and feeling really well with my supplement -
the Ensure Plus. It has really helped me. I am quite used to being on my own again and settled back to my regular routine. My brother Peter and his daughter Vicki called in on Thursday on their way home to Q'ld. Vicki is spending a couple of weeks with her father which is nice for both of them. Even with the driving. Peter still has one eye that won't close or open properly - a left-over from the Bells Palsy. I hope it improves for him.

Well we are officially into Winter on 1st June and it has very cold in the mornings and nice sunny days after and the sun is nice if there is no cool breeze. We are needing some rain here
for gardens and farms. There is some predicted for tomorrow, so here's hoping.
Those living in the Northern Hemisphere will be welcoming Spring and everything coming into growing and blooming which is a lovely season. After our cold we will be happy to see Spring.

Well on to the joles. First one was sent to me by my cousin Bill. Thank you Bill. It is called
"Bagpiper at a Funeral". Enjoy.

Bagpiper at a funeral....

(I found this anonymous article deeply moving -- I hope you do, too)


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral Director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the graveside and looked down and saw that the vault lid
was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low and my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I've never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."


Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing

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A couple from my good friend Linda from Canberra, our capital.

I just got sacked from my job with the Lifeline crisis centre.

A guy called Mohammed phoned and said, "My girlfriend left me so I'm lying on the railway track at Sydney Central waiting for the train to come".

I swear, all I said was,"Remain calm and stay on the line".

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Jews sank the Titanic.

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to
indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat,
and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all same.

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A Mountain Wings item called "The Vows."

------------------------- MountainWings A MountainWings Moment #12151 Wings Over The Mountains of Life ------------------------------------------------- The Vows ========= During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied. The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.

When it comes time for the groom's vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed, "I thought we had a deal." The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

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Once again, I have lost part of my post, so will close now. Take care my friends, look after each other and yourselves. My love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post 785 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 3rd June, 2012.

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Paying The Bills.

Post 784 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 28th May, 2012.

Hello again my friends ~~ I will put a few jokes on for you. Thank you so much to the loyal bloggers who have already commented on my photos ~ you are much appreciated my friends.
Thank you to all those who wished me a Happy Birthday on Blogger and also Facebook ~~ I will
get around to answering you all very soon. It has been a bit hectic here of late. It was quiet last night with just me here and no one to talk to, but I am used to it and soon got back to normal.

The News is on and there are MORE people losing their jobs, with businesses closing down, and/or put into liquidation. Our PM is very sorry which means zilch if you have no money coming in to feed their families and pay off their homes. There seems to be hundreds daily or more. And there won't be many jobs for them to get. I worry about them. Our PM (Julia) has
agreed with the richest woman, Gina Rheinhart, importing 17,000 overseas workers. And some wonder why she has to go and the sooner the better.

Today is Peter's Birthday and he is 76 and down at his son's home with his daughter so he will have a nice lunch out tomorrow. I hope he enjoys it as much as we did at mine. 78 is not even
a significant number, but I guess after being so ill, maybe that did it. All my flowers are still very beautiful, and I put more water in them today. Irises out, lilliums still to come, have some nice
yellow ones out already. Lots of chrysanthemums, white and yellow and lovely gum leaves.

Now to find some jokes for you. First one is from Pearly Gates, called "Paying the Bills."

A Mangy looking guy who goes into a restaurant and orders food. The witer says, "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me the food?"
"Deal." says the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. he puts the hamster on the counter and it runs to the end, across the room, up to the piano. It jumps on the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin songs and the hamster is really good.

The waiter said, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. The hamster is very good on the piano." The guy downs the hamburger he ordered and asks the waiter for another.
"Money or another miracle," says the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the counter, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the counter runs over to the guy and offers him $300. for the frog.
The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred dollars and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger leaves the restaurant.

The waiter says to the guy, "Are you crazy? You sold a singing frog for $300. It must be worth millions."

"Not so," says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist.
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Next one from my dear friend, Jeanette called "The Wife." Thanks Jan.

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. A man and a woman.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen for a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi darling", he says.

"Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say 'Hello'?"
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One from my friend, Lee. Thanks Lee.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you are here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, turned off his flashlight, and froze. When he heard nothing more he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires. Clear as a bell he heard
"Jesus is watching you."

Startled he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes." The parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm trying to warn you that he's watching you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, Huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus' "
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One from my friend Gina. Thanks Gina.

A female dwarf goes to the doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.
The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.

He lifts her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt, "How's that?" he asks.
"Well it's a lot better, but ...............it's still there."

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt, snip, snip, snip, snip

Out he comes, "How's that?" he asks again, more confident.

"That's wonderful. What did you do?" she asked.
"I trimmed the top of your ugg boots.
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More of Lady Di's "Idiot Sightings." Thank you Dianne.

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said we had the largest one Sears made at that time, 1/2 horse- power.

He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."
I responded that1/2 was larger than 1/4."

He said, "NO. it's not. Four is larger than two."
We haven't used Sears repair since.
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My daughter and I went through McDonald's take - out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill
Our total was $4.25, so I handed her a quarter.

She said, "You gave me too much money." I said, "Yes, I know, but this way you can give me a dollar bill back."
She sighed and went to the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter and said, "We're sorry, but we could not do that sort of thing.
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at Mc D's.
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I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here. I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore." From Kingman, KS.
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My daughter went to the local Taco Bell and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the
counter for "minimal lettuce"
He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg lettuce. City.
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I was at the airport, checking in the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask?"
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
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The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS.
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At a goodbye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing', our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun, we should do this more often"

Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer in the headlights
stare." This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
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How would you pronounce this child's name?

"Le-a"

Leah No, Lee-a No, Laya-a NO. Lei Guess again.

Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It is pronounced "Ledasha" When the mother was asked about the pronounciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
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Lastly, a calendar from my friend Lee which is quite amazing when you read it. Thanks Lee.

Just in case.

This year, July will have 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays.

July 2012
Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
				1	2	3
4	5	6	7	8	9	10
11	12	13	14	15	16	17
18	19	20	21	22	23	24
25	26	27	28	29	30	31

This happens only once every 823 years. They call it the money bag.

Send it to all your friends, and according to them, you will receive money within 4 days.

According to the Chinese Feng Shui practitioners, whoever does not send will remain poor.

I thought it prudent to send it along! Just in case!

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Well my friends, time to get up from the computer and eat and get to bed before long. I hope you are all keeping well and happy. I am both at present. Take care of yourselves and each other. Hopefully I will be back next Sunday and won't lose my post again.

My love and best wishes to you all. Happy Birthday Peter, have a great time. Love, Merle.

Post 784 ~ ~ ~ Monday, 28th May, 2012.

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Merle's 78th Birthday. Take 2.

Post 783 ~ ~ Sunday, 26th May, 2012.
I had a good post on but lost it so have just put the photos back on. Left, is Jacqui, Peter, Vicki, Merle and Kathy.
Below Peter and Merle.
























Second row ia Merle with her daughter Kathy, who is mother to these beautiful grandkids, Kristen and Kate,
Then Jorja 14, Nick 17, with their Mum and me.

Bottom row was at the hotel ~~ Left Shirley, Frank, John, Merle, Vicki, Jacqui Keith.
Second one is much the same but with Peter and Marcus in it.

I owe a big Thank You to my brother who organized the lunch at the hotel and paid for it, He got some old
friends to come as well as family. I enjoyed every minute of it, and then we had other cousins come at night
for another meal. I was ordered to sit down which I could get to like. Peter's daughter, Vicki and my Kathy
got another meal for 9 or so of us. Kids washed the dishes afterwards. Jorja and Nick next day.

I have a house full of flowers and have run out of vases. Lots of lovely liliums, iris and daisy and chrysanthemums. Some lovely eucalypt leaves around 2 lots. I don't have much sense of smell, but I tore
a leaf and rubbbed it and got a small whiff of gum.

I can't remember what I typed last night, but plan to save this in drafts and finish it tomorrow. So sleep tight
my friends. I hope you have been having as much fun as I have. Bye for now. Merle.

Maybe I had better publish this so they don't lost it again. I will write more tomorrow and find some jokes.
A Big Happy 76th birthday to my little brother who has been such a help to me. He even washed dishes.

Post 783 ~ ~ Sunday. 26th May 2012.
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The Best Story of the Year.

John and Fluff.
Post 782 ~ ~ ~ Sunday, 20th May, 2012.

Hello my friends ~~ I hope this finds you well and happy with your lives. I am feeling much better than last week and am usually happy or at least content. It took me a while to upload the photo of my son John and his lovely little 10 year old Maltese Terrier, I had minded her for a week or so, and John came to take her home.
I guess it is the last time I will mind her. John is afraid she will trip me over, but Fluff is good when we are on our own. A firm word and she seems to know I am shaky. That was back in September last year.
After losing the picture three times I will leave it at the top.

Bye the way ~~ I have 6 baby lemons growing on my little tree - The first ever grown by myself.
I go around the back and visit them and am very pleased about them. Only as big as a pea, yet.

Now for some jokes and I will start with the title one from my friend Linda in Canberra. Thank you Linda.

The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife . .. . . ..
Tom's Scrotum.

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, " I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom, had a bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children", she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum. and wrap wire around it to hold
it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I am Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held it's breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is STERNUM."
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Next is a Pearly Gates item called "Proud Mom."

Mitchell, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: "cat". "dog" "Mom" and "Dad." had been proudly displayed for all to see.

Ine morning while getting ready for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters. -G-O-D. Look what I spelled Mom?
Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his face.

"That's wonderful," she said, Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see them when he gets home tonight. That Christian education is certainly having an impact, she thought happily.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
"Mom, How do you spell "zilla"?
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Next one was sent by my good friend Barbara. Thank you Barbara.

I think I would re-name this ============ "Empathy"

An old one come back but it still touches the heart-strings, M.
WE DON'T NEED TOO MANY FRIENDS............JUST GOOD FRIENDS ! Let's see if you send this back...

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard.
As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy..
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies." "Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck,
"These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money." The boy dropped his head for a moment.
Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.
As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller.
Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would." With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers.
In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy. "How much?" asked the little boy...
"No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love." The world is full of people who need someone who understands.
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Next item was sent by my good friend Patriacia. Thank you Patty. I hope Abe is doing well.

Of course the picture didn't come through!!!!
This is an actual size of Noah's Ark

Let me know what happens to you the morning after you open this e-mail. This is an unusual one. It actually gives you a time tomorrow. Let's see if it works. GUARDIAN ANGEL Forward this message the same day you receive it. It may sound ridiculous, but it is right on time. We believe that something is about to happen. Angels exist, only sometimes they haven't got wings and we call them friends; you are one of them! Something wonderful is about to happen to you and your friends. Tomorrow at 8:23 am somebody will call you and tell you something you have been waiting to hear.

SAY THIS PRAYER

Heavenly Father; I Come to you As Humble As I Know How. I Confess My Sins, Those Known & Unknown. Lord, you Know I'm Not Perfect & I Fall Short Every day Of My Life. I Just Want to Take Time Out to Say Thank you. Thank you for your Love. Thank you for your Mercy. Thank you for your Grace. Thank you for My Home, Car, Food, Life, and Everything I Do Have. I Realize That this Life I'm Living Is Full Of Trials & Tribulations But Thank you for Not Putting More On Me Than I Can Bear. Please Send This Prayer to Every 1 in your directory & The Next Time you Get Ready to Complain, Tell The Devil you are A Blessed Child Of God & you Have More to Be Thankful for Than to Worry About. We Must Go Thru The Storm to Appreciate The Sunshine!

This is a test to see who has more followers. Jesus or Satan.

If Jesus, forward to ten people,

If Satan close the e-mail!

God is going to fix two things (BIG) tonight in your favors!

God bless!
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My good friend Lady Di sent the next ones. Thank you Dianne.

BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT (so is their spelling) These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! ___________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. ________________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. _______________________________________________________ COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. ________________________________________________________ JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. _____________________________________________________________ WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. ___________________________________________________________ And the WINNER is... FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. (Statement of the Century) ____________________________________________________________ Children Are Quick TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher. <><>

As promised, some more jokes from my good friend, Jel, Thank you Jel.

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six year old daughter Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of questions about what I was doing.

After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.
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Out bicycling one day with my eight year old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful.
"In ten years," I said, "You'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now."
Carolyn shrugged, "In ten years time you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.
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Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give 4 year old Lizzie her needle.
"No, No, No." she screamed. "Lizzie, " scolded her mother, "That's not polite behavior.

With that the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you, No thank you."
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On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son. "Dad,I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. "You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.
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Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained that's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle? Blank stares. "Well, you have probably seen his his face on his lemonade carton.

An eight year old girl said, " How long was he missing?"

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God's Problem Now.
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished. when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."
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A smile - is a sign of joy.

A hug - is a sign of love.

A laugh - is a sign of happiness.

And a friend like me? Well that's just a sign of good taste.
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Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. ~~Albert Schweitzer.

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Well I think it is time to call it a day my friends. Enjoy your lives and look after each other and yourselves. I am so pleased to feel so much better this week. Peter and his daughter will be back in time for my 78th birthday on Thursday. There are lots of folks older and fitter, but I know that I am old. Peter will be 76, 4 days later on 28th, So neither of us is young.
Take great care, my love and best wishes to you all. Cheers, Merle.

Post ~ ~ ~ 782 ~~ Sunday, 20th May, 2012.
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Poar 781 b Sunday 13th May, 2012. The mouse or computer was playing up and I could not even move down a line to continue typing. No hope at all. Anyway I hope the couple of jokes we got before it decided to play up. The last one was sent to me my good friend, Jel. Thanks Jel. More to come.

My love to you all. I hope next week will be a better effort, Love, Merle.

A Few Jokes.

x
Post ~ 781 ~ ~ Sunday, 13th May, 2o12.
Hello My Friends, Peter has been teaching me how to a post a picture on this blog and moving it down low enough for this greeting at the beginning. I hope you are keeping well and happy. I
am doing quite well, although Peter saw a big change 0n me. The main problem this week is the tremors I have turned to a constant shaking. A Nuisance, but I'll cope.

The photo shows my son John and daughter Kathy and me about my last birthday I think.

BOOTS!

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!

Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,

"I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month.

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Twenty Questions

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.<><>w

While I sat in the area of my doctor's office a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As ahe went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make mall talkwith him. a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placig his sand on the man's, he said. "Iknow how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in trhe strollerl

Ride to the Airport.

Billy Graham.

 Hello My Friends ~~ Looks like this is where we start and so will do the story of

"Ride to the Airport" a Mountain Wings item.

Billy Graham had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.

Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.

The chauffeur didn't really have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo  and

Rev. Graham took to the wheel.

He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH.

Soon the blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rear-view mirror.

He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. 

When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper radioed in

and asked for the chief, 

He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I don't know what to do."

The chief replied, "Who is it, I hope not Ted Kennedy?"

The trooper said , "No, even more important."

"It isn't the Governor, Jeb Bush is it?" asked the chief.

"No, even more important," replied the trooper.

"It isn't the President, George Bush, is it?"

No", replied the trooper, "even more important."

"Well, WHO in the WORLD is it? screamed the chief.

The trooper responded, " I don't really know for sure but I think it might be Jesus,

because his chauffeur is Billy Graham."

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Hello again my friends, I do not like this new format of starting the middle of the page

but will try to go with the flow and use it. I could not move the pic of Billy Graham down. 

I hope all is well with you all and your lives are happy. I am feeling really good again. At last the podiatrist has decided that the trouble with my toe is due to gout. So I am back on the tablets for that. At least it is good to know and he trimmed it back, and trimmed it back and when I saw it that night I got a shock, as he had cut and pared the nail down to half a nail. He kept asking if it hurt, and it didn't but oh boy that night I could barely bear the bedclothes on it, but as it is cold here I had to turn and turn to get it comfortable. Next day I could barely walk it hurt so much. But it has gradually got much better and I think the worst is over. So I am feeling great.

My brother Peter is coming to visit me tomorrow, 1000 miles drive for him. I hope he will stay 2 nights on the way. We always used to stay one night, but we are not as young as we used to be. I am looking forward to his visit and it will be a lift to my spirits. as we get on so well.

He will be tired after all the driving, so I guess will stay out of the car for a day or so.

I am late starting this tonight as I had to watch my AFL footy team play and we had a win against the bottom side which played well for the first half, but we won in the end. 

Go Blues. 

Now to find some jokes ~ ~ ~

Words for Women to Live By.

1.  Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2.  If the shoe fits - buy them in every color. 

3.  Take life with a pinch of salt....Awedge of lime and a shot of tequila.

4.  In need of a support group? -Cocktail hour with the girls.

5.  Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days)

6.  When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7.  Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS amd this is just your personality.

8.  I know I am in my own little world, but it's OK. They know me here.

9.  Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons, turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man, there is some woman tired of all his bulls**t.

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parent-hood are the hardest.

14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she is wrong.

"Good friends are like stars......You don't always see them, but you know they are always there."  "Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow , but live for today."

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One from my good friend, Patricia. I hope you enjoy it. Thank you Patty.

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.  On their return from their trip, the father asked the son, "How was the trip?"

"It was great Dad."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh Yeah" said the son.

"So tell me what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The  son answered

"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they had a creek that has no end.

We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.

Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.

We buy our food but they grow theirs.

We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."  

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing?  Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.

Appreciate all the things you have, especially your friends.

"Life is too short and friends are too few."

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Thank you Linda for "Girl's Night Out.

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. However they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One had nothing to wipe with so thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to use them, but she was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use that. Then they went home.

The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet  and innocent

wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband.

"These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst.

 My wife came home with no panties."

"You think that's bad", said the other husband, "Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck to her bottom that says,

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

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Last one tonight is from my good friend Lady Di. It is about DUI.

An experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the

authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A

couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends of TGIF and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never

done before.  I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road-block but as it was a bus, they waved it on.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a small surprise as I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

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Well, time to close as I still have a few jobs to do before bed, although I won't be long up.Peter is staying with a mate tonight and is only about an hour and a half from here.

So those two will talk half the night away. Keith lost his wife to cancer just over a year ago and Peter had to make a speech and deliver it at Anne's funeral.

Take good care of yourselves and each other and enjoy something special each day. I took rubbish out today to the bin and found the sun was nice and warm so stood in it for a while

My love and best wishes to you all,  Cheers, Merle.

Post  780  ~ ~ ~  6th  May,  2012.

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